Expectations
As children, we all grow up watching our parents interact with each other. We see so many couples such as uncles and aunts, grandparents, siblings and close friends getting married after much thought, prayer and finding the right life partner. From each of these relationships and experiences we draw a lot of positive and negative references. With or without our own knowledge, this leaves an imprint in our mind of the kind of life partner we would need for a happy married life. The Perfect Match to suit our characteristics, temperament, personality type, likes and dislikes! When we do find that Perfect Match, there is an excitement about this new journey together. Holding hands, walking off into the sunset; a marriage made in heaven. The happy ending to all romantic movies!
Every couple soon realizes that it’s not as perfect a match, neither is the journey without its share of bumps and obstacles. It may be a marriage made in heaven, but why does it feel like we are going through hell. There is no perfect match. Any couple, who suggests that they have no issues or arguments, is fooling no one but themselves. Many couples fall apart as they have very high expectations. We all have expectations, which are rarely or never met. While it may be a reasonable expectation to meet the right person, it is unreasonable to think everything will be perfectly okay post marriage.
Change
Many couples go into marriage thinking, “Okay so my life partner is not so perfect after all. I can always be a positive influence on him/her.” Many of us have a positive influence on our friends and with our colleagues or subordinates. With that being said, many get frustrated that the change they want to see in their spouse does not happen as they would like. We have a point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ in mind, where we would like to move our spouse to. However the persistence and drive to change the other person will push your spouse to a completely different place, where neither of you want to be.
You cannot force change on your spouse. We will need to spend only 1/10th the energy in changing ourselves, rather than forcing change on our spouse. When we take feedback, show positive change and sacrifice for our spouse eventually they may also show signs of some change. Of course, this is not not perfect and I am not able to influence much change but confrontations leads to a lot of trouble. But this time will pass. Giving my spouse space for a few days will help the wounds to heal. ”
Keeping issues and emotions bottled up is never the solution. Only wounds that are attended to, will heal. If you let the wound be, it will fester and rot. Many times we would rather evade a problem or situation than face the monsters in our relationship and battle with them. When we say battle with them, we mean, to talk it out. Yelling at each other will yield no results. It will only turn into a screaming contest and a spectacle for the neighbors and your children.
First and foremost we should put off all falsehood and speak truthfully to one another. If you cannot share your emotions and issues with your own spouse, who would you share them with? If your spouse has hurt you, make it known to them how he/she has hurt you. Open up and be truthful. Reason with one another, by speaking truthfully, for both are one body, united in marriage.
Forgiveness
There is a saying that you should not let the sun go down on your anger. However most of us think, “Okay we have spoken about it. We have reasoned and understood each other. Now we need time to get over it. It certainly takes time to Forgive and Forget.”
Many of us treat a problem or issue in marriage as a severe migraine headache. We think a good night’s sleep will help. Wake up in the morning and the slate is wiped clean for a whole new day, where everything is bright and joyful. Well, as we all know, few hours of bitterness turns into days of anger and maybe even weeks of utter frustration.
Every couple faces these situations in varying magnitudes and frequencies. Every couple has to make diligent efforts to put these away. Park your pride and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, loving and forgiving one another. Don’t wait for the person to ask for forgiveness. Forgive your spouse, just as you would forgive yourself for any mistake you would make.
- Don’t have Unreasonable Expectations
- Don’t Force Change on your spouse
- Don’t avoid Discussing the Issues
- Don’t let the sun go down on your anger
We all have a large list of expectations, which are rarely or not fully met. One cannot hold on to a set agenda and ask our spouse to agree to each and every aspect. Each issue should have some common ground, which needs to be arrived at.
Love cannot be forced – Neither is it a one way street. Are you guilty of harboring unresolved issues? Speak to your spouse now. This is not where you need to forever hold your peace. If you do…. we assure you… it will eventually destroy your peace.
That Mystical Perfect Marriage is a myth. Not one marriage is perfect, but you certainly can work towards it.
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