Anyone can guess this is a typical scene from any household with two young kids. What makes it different from any other household then? The only difference is that our older one has special needs and we have many such situations where we weave our lives around both the kids.
When we first learned our daughter has Down syndrome, we were emotionally overwhelmed and not to mention quite broken. We knew life will never be the same after a child but we were not aware of how we should deal with her diagnosis. In our head we were no longer the couple who love to travel or the couple who have been together for 11 odd years, we suddenly started thinking of ourselves as the parents of the girl who has special needs.
As first time parents, it was all new for us anyway, and to deal with the unknown made it even more difficult. Usually the mother is the most stressed physically and emotionally in such situations. In this case l, we both went through the stages of grief…, denial, guilt and finally acceptance together. Many times the onus is put on the mother as a primary caretaker and she has to undergo major lifestyle changes and challenges in her life. However, for the precious first three years, my partner took equal responsibility and we divided the roles fairly between us. He made sure I even got back to work and luckily my family stepped in to support us during this delicate time.
I think this was a very important stage in our marriage as it brought back the sense of normalcy (which we were dearly seeking) and also made acceptance easy as our LO was highly loved and accepted in our work place. She used to accompanied us everywhere right from client meets, selections, site visits to vendor meets. My partner often doubled up as a caregiver so that I could do justice to my work.
Eventually I realized we all have our own coping mechanism and we cannot deny that men are wired differently as compared to women. It is easier for women to talk our problems through and find solace in the words of others. It was difficult for my partner to get out of his comfort circle to talk and vent his emotions out to someone. While I went out and tried to reach out to friends and to fellow moms, his outlet was sports. He excels in sports and every new trophy reconfirms his sense of achievement while supporting my personal journey of finding my solace.
After almost 18 years of being together and ten years of being in wedlock we have realized that marriage is teamwork and that the balance of reliance vs individuality is very essential. It is imperative that we accept the situation together and express our feelings, thoughts, and fears without prejudice and share our responsibilities sensibly. But is that not true for any other association to work as well?
Ten years is a long time to know that marriage is easy but difficult, and rewarding but challenging at the same time. Amongst all the challenges, the transformations and problems, our marriage has survived the past several years because we have acknowledged each other’s need for space. We are present, persistent, flexible and truthful in our relationship and having a child with special needs has not particularly influenced this.
We are now two individuals who have their own lives but still together because of our wish to remain in love with each other through time and also for our kids. We rejoice and celebrate every milestone in our children’s life, take occasional road trips together as a family, find time to catch up on our favorite tele-series every now and then and talk about parenting, schooling, family and friends.
We are growing together through it all and are still budding, understanding and making efforts, not to forget we are doing it together.
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