My Opinion:
The Generation Gap

If you are young (or recently ‘was’), have you ever felt that your parents don’t get you, that they have no respect for you as an individual? Parents! Aliens from another planet altogether huh? If you are the parent of a teenager, ever felt like something radically transformed your little angel into a stranger overnight? Well, it appears that the problem of the ‘generation gap’ repeats itself generation after generation! And no, it doesn’t seem like we’ve figured out what to do; the challenges just seem bigger and harder to deal with.

Generation gap is the modern term for the difference between generations; milder than the extreme definition which calls this difference as the “clash” between the opinions, attitudes and behaviors of the younger and older generations. This could manifest in any social environment; workplaces, schools, and more obviously, often in homes.

Conflict between parents and teenagers is normal! One morning your happy 13 year-old wakes up with an attitude. She may suddenly argue with nearly everything you say. She may disappear into her room for days. She may question all the rules. “What has gone wrong?” you may ask yourself. The answer is, nothing.

Believe it or not, this is normal teenage behavior. Who am I to talk? Well… having been a teenager a while ago and now interacting with parents of teenagers at my workplace, I find that the difficulties and confusion experienced between me and my parents when I was a teenager, haven’t changed much. Having been quite the introverted and compliant child, I apparently never gave them any trouble before the age of 12. Suddenly, my mother was faced with a challenge from me every time she drew a boundary, gave a suggestion or opinion that was different from mine (which was almost all the time!). “Why can’t I wear this?”, “Why shouldn’t I go out with my friends?”, “Why do I have to come back so early?”, “Why shouldn’t I talk to boys?”… The issues and areas of conflict were almost about everything.

So is there a way of bridging what appears to be this wide rift? I remember praying sincerely, “God change my mother; why can’t she be more understanding?” She must’ve been praying the same thing I’m sure. What I’ve realized from looking back at my own life and at friends’ lives is that parents have a large role to play in how smoothly they go through the adolescent stage with their children. The fact is, in many ways, parents do know better about possible problems and consequent hurts that could come their child’s way (at least more than a 13 year old). What would help though is looking at their lives when they were teenagers and comparing it to what their children are experiencing as teens in this generation.

In many ways, the issues are the same. Being friends with and talking to parents of other teenagers or older children will give you insight and understanding about what goes on in your child’s mind and how best to deal with it. What doesn’t help is when the expectation on your child is the same as those your own parents had on you! While agreeing that my child is still a child, the mindset that he/she is growing up and thinking for herself helps parents decide to give the right amount of freedom whenever necessary. Parents have to be calm, take time and think strategically: ‘What message should I use there, what approach should I use here?’ Being open and honest with your teen about why they have a concern helps the child to see the parents’ perspective and over time (not overnight) accept the boundaries and restrictions given. You do not have to let go of the reins too soon; but it is knowing when your child needs to be given more autonomy and when not.

More often than not, when your teen disagrees with you, it may really be about having a different opinion in order to be different from you. When your teen was younger, chances are he thought you knew the answers to all his questions! Now he has the maturity and thinking skills to come up with some of the answers himself; maybe even incorrect answers. No matter what you disagree about, your teen needs to know he/she is loved; which is most often not communicated when everyone is upset.

Importantly, if parents have taught and demonstrated love and respect in the family when the children are younger, as a teenager, they will eventually learn to understand and accept the difference of opinions and respect their parents for being understanding and wise in how they dealt with them later on in their lives. I also know for sure that the more I desired my parents would change and prayed for it, the more I saw changes in myself first. Ten years later, my mother and I have a relationship that many say they are jealous of and wish they had with their own parents. I believe being humble enough to realize we don’t know-it-all, both parents and young people, goes a long way in God helping us love and respect each other.

I know this because the kind of people my parents and I are today, is radically different from what we used to be; and in many ways it was because we sought to seek out each others’ best because we loved and cared for each other. We agreed on that, even when we disagreed strongly on something else! Some people might be skeptical about this quote but I found it to be true a lot of times. “There is nothing wrong with today’s teenager that twenty years won’t cure.” Remember, you’re all on the same team!