| My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have two kids, a 4-year old girl and a 6-year-old boy. My problem is that my husband shows, what I think is, too much affection like kissing on the cheek unexpectedly in front of the kids which makes me conscious and uncomfortable. I am uncertain about how kids will take it or understand it. I tried explaining my concerns to my husband, but disagreements about it usually flares up into fights. Please tell me if parental physical affection to each other in front of kids is healthy or not and how I can handle this better? |
Thank you for asking the question that sometimes people shy away from asking especially in our Indian society where any kind of public display of affection is still pretty much something that people refrain from.
What I understand from your letter is that though you are able to enjoy your husband’s attention and physical affection, you feel annoyed and conscious in front of the kids, mainly because you are unsure about how they would perceive this type of interaction and physical affection. If the only reason for not enjoying his display of affection is because of what children might think, I would suggest that you let go of your inhibitions and not stop yourself from enjoying your husband’s attention.
It is healthy and absolutely okay to show children what love looks like at home especially when children are already exposed to sex, and wrong notions of love from a very young age through movies, magazines, and media. To add to that, some day when they grow up and move out of their homes, some guy will come along and say “just trust me” or “watch porn” or introduce them to the changing culture that will drift them away from their innocence. So you really only have time till they turn into 18-year-olds or until their college years, which again fleets by fast, to teach them about love and responsibility.
It is healthy for children to witness a certain amount of parental display of physical affection at home in order to help them understand the aspects of marriage and love. With that said, I would also like to emphasize that there also has to be limits on how much affection you are showing in front of the kids. Holding hands, a little peck on the cheek, a hug will do more good than harm, but it is also important to know when to lock your bedroom door.
It is surprising that many parents shy away from modest display of affection while they do not think twice about engaging in intense verbal and physical fights or throwing sarcastic, belittling comments to each other, which proves to be far more traumatizing for children than one can imagine. Moreover, extreme, fierce fights convey the message that it is the marital right of a person to physically and verbally abuse the person they are married to, because in their understanding, this is something that people in love do.
While it is alright for them to witness a little conflict at home in order to understand that fighting and healthy conflict resolution are a part of life and marriage; intense fights and physical violence destroys their confidence, and shakes up their sense of security, which immobilizes them to face the world in an emotionally mature and confident way.
For all these reasons and more, I would suggest that you let yourself enjoy your husband’s appropriate public display of affection and even explain to your kids about sex, good and bad touch, and about appropriate boundaries that needs to be maintained outside and inside the marriage covenant.
Their idea of sexuality, love and affection needs to be established at home so that they are prepared to meet their world and engage in it, not only confidently, but also honorably, appropriately and responsibly.
| I have a 6-year-old daughter and with all the things I read about in the paper about young girls getting molested or raped, I am so scared for her safety. I don’t let her go for classes if there is a male teacher or anywhere that I cannot be with her, other than school. Am I being paranoid? I have had a bad experience as well as a child and I don’t want the same thing to happen to her. She keeps asking questions about why she can’t go anywhere alone, etc. I can’t talk about all this to her, it’s so weird but I think she is hearing about sex and other things from friends. What do I do? |
It’s a terrifying experience to have been molested as a child and it’s understandable that you want your child protected at all costs. But before asking what you want to do for your child would you consider some introspection to make sure you have overcome your experience? They say experience is the best teacher, but how you interpret your past would master your present. You mentioned being scared and paranoid and it sounds like your negative experience from your childhood still has a grip on you.
I would suggest you seek professional help to gain a better perspective on what has happened and how it has shaped your attitudes towards parenting, sexuality and men. Investing a little on self-work can make you more in control of your emotions and helpful as a parent to your daughter. Healthy caution for your daughter is good but it should not result in transmitting fear to her at a young age. She should not conclude that all men are dangerous. This could lead to distorted and extreme fears for her later on, posing greater problems.
Sex education is a responsibility and the privilege of every parent. At this age, you can help her label different body parts correctly like ‘’penis’’ and ‘’vagina’’. Even a literal explanation of sex can be provided where she understands that a cell from daddy united with a cell from mommy to make her. You can explain that the right context of this ‘baby making process’ is between a married couple and that sex is one way of expressing love between a husband and a wife.
Such simple open discussions can help your daughter gain a better appreciation of sex as she matures and she may continue to come to you first with any doubts as you prove yourself to be honest and approachable in this matter. The goal should not only be to protect but also to teach your child to make healthy decisions for herself as she grows up. It is essential that we self examine our own understanding and experiences and teach children to make wise decisions primarily based on hope and not fear. I wish you all the best in this endeavor and I’m sure your daughter will learn much from you.
Home Shanti is a Counseling Centre, which serves among urban Indians to strengthen the society by strengthening families. It is an effort towards bringing healing, growth, and wholeness to hurting individuals and families. (Homeshanti.org) Post your queries to their team of experienced counselors to counseling.uim@gmail.com or call the National Family Helpline 1860-425-6555
