As they grow, they can become defiant about rules laid down and push hard to get what they want against the wishes and instructions of their parents. They do not need any special coaching to learn the art of disobedience! We soon realize in our journey of parenting, that our children have not been given to any of us as tamed or well-cultured and well-behaved individuals. Parents play a great role in making them this way through constant training.
One thing that as parents we unconsciously do is to focus more on behavioral modification rather than character formation. Behavioral modifications are often conditioning of the mind to behave in a certain pattern to keep the social norms or expectations without really working on the conditioning of their heart. The conditioning of the heart has to do with more than behavioral modification. It has to do with their core values or belief systems and behavior is a result of a deep sense of conviction that comes from their core beliefs and is not based on pressure to perform. They do not behave in a certain way to fulfill just social, legal or spiritual expectations, but their character has been affected by the conviction of their moral values.
This is one of the key reasons why parents become puzzled and surprised when children move their teens. The teens have begun to think and rationalize and they have now begun to express themselves based on what they think is fair and just. They often move away from the expectation of their parents. Their behavior comes from their own conviction of what is right and wrong and it is not based on instruction that comes from the need to please parents and others. Parents wonder what has happened to their well-behaved child all of a sudden. Yes, there are teen issues related to hormonal changes but that’s not all it is. Their hearts have not been impacted because as parents we tend to focus on their behavior rather than their belief system.
If our parenting is based on ‘what others would think about my child or about my parenting skills’ we would unconsciously lay emphasis on how they should behave before others. Control mechanisms will work till they can be controlled by punishment and other fear based tactics. Hence it is important to start teaching moral values and work on their character first rather than just changing their behavioral pattern.
‘Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it’. This is a quote from the wisdom literature of Solomon written in the book of Proverbs. This is about training that will last for a lifetime. The way a child should go is not often the way the parents want the child to go, but it’s the way God wants the child to grow. It’s the way of righteousness, peace and godliness. I think that’s the way the creator would like each of us to go. It’s the way of God and His plans.
So as parents it’s good to introspect on parenting styles, whatever phase of parenting you are in. Is it based on your deep convictions of a righteous and noble path or is it based on convenience and society? Character building is the building block of parenting, remember character is not taught, it’s caught from parents.
If you are experiencing parenting challenges that are beyond your ability to handle, please do get help from a counselor at the earliest. Our national helpline can be used to direct you to the right person. Our Home Shanti help-line number is 1860-25-6555. We hope and pray it will bring Shanti to your home.
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