It was a few years back when Kamala met me for counselling. She described how painfully difficult it was to follow the normal routines of life after her divorce. At times she was numb to her emotions and the world around her. At other times she would cry uncontrollably for what she had lost, fear would grip her at the thought that she may never be able to bounce back. Grief is defined as deep mental anguish often associated with the death of a loved one. However, we all understand how grief is the raw emotion of intense sadness when one experiences loss of some kind.
From losing a cherished friendship to losing someone to death, a shattered dream to a miscarriage, a job loss to a breakup the list is endless. It is an experience which touches each one of us at some point in our life. It’s often difficult to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. You may genuinely want to help but the fear that you may say something insensitive, make the person feel worse, intrude upon their privacy makes you hesitate.
Some of us dread loss to such a great extent that we run away from someone who is hurting. Still others may so long for the friend to move on with life that plentiful advice is given without keeping their emotional state in mind.
You may feel helpless and unsure about whether you have anything at all to offer to help your friend through their grieving process. Grieving has no fixed timetable. Elisabeth Kubler Ross in 1969 gave us the cycle of death and dying when working with terminally ill patients. Many use this cycle to understand the grieving process too. Like the human body, the human spirit also has the intrinsic ability to put up a fight and to heal. Keeping that in mind here are some principles you can keep in mind when journeying with a grieving friend.
It’s about her and not about you
Get over your awkwardness, inhibitions and clichés. If you genuinely want to help, reach out to your grieving friend. Her world has fallen apart and she is still struggling to make meaning or come to terms with her loss. Be available to her as a listening ear and provide her the safety net of freely expressing her emotions. It’s not without reason that many cultures have rituals associated with the grieving process as grieving is the beginning of one’s healing. In grieving lies the acknowledgement of one’s loss.
Remember that your friend is the focus of your attention, so you can take charge and consciously make a choice to lend your shoulder for her to cry on. Your strength and taking charge may give her the opportunity to be vulnerable and genuine.
Commitment through the struggle
As a friend, it may require a lot more initiative on your part to show you really care. In the initial days of a funeral it may be a full house. However, the real battle begins when the house is quiet and relatives and friends have left. It is here that a friend can step in and consistently show loving acts of kindness that may truly meet a need. Offer help that you know is needed and you are capable of carrying out. I still remember someone who supported her friend by doing her grocery shopping for her as she found it so difficult to get out of the house for days.
From dropping the children to school or cooking a meal, there is a lot that can be done. A friend who was going through a dark phase in her life explained how people often told her the clichéd offer of help “if you need any help, just ask!” However, sometimes that statement hurt as it was very vague and with that statement the help ended.
Can you as a friend be ready to commit yourself to small acts which may be as simple as giving the grieving person a visit, a kind word or companionable silence?
Time for grieving
There has been much debate as to how much time a person needs to grieve… “How much longer? When will the memories go away?” One principle that holds is that when the grieving person takes help, has loving support and engages in working through their grief, their recovery rate is faster. Putting a time frame to grieving may take away from the fact that each person’s circumstances, loss and grieving experience is unique. However, if your grieving friend is not showing any signs of improvement for a considerable period of time, it’s good to see a counsellor.
Signs to look out for are sleep problems, suicidal thoughts, fatigue or loss of appetite. The above principles provide a framework we can follow when dealing with a friend who has experienced loss of some kind. As humans we are all touched at some point in our life with debilitating grief. Understanding grief and being involved with people going through the process will help us to handle our own grief in life’s journey. It encourages us to look beyond the superficial and face deeper issues like death, purpose of living, understanding of God.
When the dark valley of grief has been passed, its impact can give us strength and a depth which otherwise would be unknown.
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Stages of the Grieving Process
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Based on :
1. Finding the Right One for You ( Harvest Publisherss,1995) “If you Haven’t Recovered – Wait” p.41-62
2. Stages of Death and Dying. Elisabeth Kubler Ross.
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