In my opinion, this question is quite ironical. If you think about it, people seem to be saying “work is different, life is different”. There is only one life and we need to allot time to various aspects of life. It is that simple. However, it is not quite as simple as writing this sentence. Humans were created with an intelligent mind and working for our bread is in our DNA. Men have the compulsion to work as do women.
In the 21st century, in most cities and towns of the world, both husband and wife need to work to meet the demands for a “quality life” (here quality means a home, a big TV screen, the latest phones, iPads / computers / classy cars, children’s education in the best schools, eating out, holidays— no more Ooty / hill stations, but Singapore, Europe /USA—and so on). Hence with both husband /wife working, time is the costliest commodity over which arguments, divorces and fights often happen.
My wife and I have been married 30 years. She is from a different state and a different language. We both love God and each other. We both have successful and demanding careers and yet we have been able to maintain a good balance between our work and family. Through the years, we took the time and effort to set right certain areas of our lives to achieve this balance. So I’m going to share a few of my learnings over the years of corporate life and family ‘life’.
Have I been a saint? My wife will tell you that I am moody, I am impatient, I am always on the calculator, thinking of cutting down expenditure, I take all her TV time watching T20 cricket, I fall asleep when she talks about books and the list is endless. But we have a wonderful family life and a great relationship. Prioritizing is the key to achieving balance in anything and here is how we were able to prioritize a few simple things with family which made it easy to balance it with work.
I read somewhere that a husband and wife spend only a meaningful thirty minutes with each other in a week! I do not know how they researched this but it shows that in today’s world of rush and rush, no one has the time for time! The first area of organizing time with family is quality conversation with your spouse. So how do we make time for each other? Think about your day. This is what the average Indian couple’s day probably looks like – Sleep at 11pm, get up at 7 am, both start getting ready for work, rush through traffic and work late into the day.Come back home by 8/9 pm, switch on the TV, have dinner and off to bed tired! They may ask each other “how was the day?”—it is a formality and the answer is “as usual” and that is all the intimate conversation there is! This kind of lifestyle just did not work for my wife and I and we decided to make a change.
Here is what we do.We go to bed early (eat early), get up at 4.30am—have our meditation/prayers, then sit sipping our coffee together. Those fifteen/thirty minutes talking to each other in the silence of dawn before the bustle of life begins,are very effective. This is what worked for us with our schedules; you need to figure out what suits you best – the key is to find ‘quiet time’ with each other. Humans need to communicate otherwise their emotions get bottled up. Hence this “quiet time” with each other can take away many a health problem of stress and blood pressure and this sense of calm will definitely improve your performance at work.
The second area where we can save time and energy is the area of money. Husbands must learn the art of “letting go”. Some wives are prudent at saving money while some may have a philosophy “your money is our money and my money is my money”.Husbands must understand what their wives need. She needs security—emotional, physical and mental. A wife is most happy when she feels secure and has control of the home.
My wife and I have always had joint bank accounts. I let her know that she can have access to my heart – where the treasure is there also is the heart— and here the treasure is the bank account. Once this is taken care of, there will be no more arguments and disagreements over money issues. You will notice over time that you have saved more money. You are equal partners and once these decisions are taken together you both have equal responsibility towards managing your finances. Learn to let go—it makes your life less painful and gives you time to focus on more important matters.
The third area is leisure and a sense of humor. My wife and I ensure that we both spend holidays together every year—we travel, stay in hotels, relax. She has interests that are totally opposite to mine. She loves books, museums, painting, music and historical stuff. To me, these are good ways of going to sleep. But we find things to do together so that we can spend time with each other. I am a guy who goes to sleep watching films which won Oscars or the National Award. But I can stay awake for hours on end watching comedy serials. Fortunately, my wife also loves comedy; we both like comics (yes, comics like Veronica and Betty /Archie); we watch films together; we laugh a lot.
God has a huge sense of humour. Have you ever seen a puppy which has just had its milk? Have you seen a cuckatoo parrot with all its colors and grandeur? You can see the humour of God in these creations. Laughing together is the key. I find that humour is missing in many working couples’ lives. Yes—there will be struggles, problems, challenges but laughter is one way of maintaining peace of mind which helps us deal with the pressures of work.
When I married my wife, I took an oath that I will look after her, no matter what and I am sure she made the same vow. No matter what, she comes first in my life—not my children, not my mother or father, not my brothers / sisters. In India, we have a tendency to keep our mother/father as top priority even after marriage. This however, can lead to problems. The husband may give second preference to his wife and allow his parents to have a say in decisions that need to stay between husband and wife.
My religious scripture, the Bible, states “a man shall cleave to his wife after marriage and they become one flesh”. Does this mean he neglects his parents—No!! He loves them and takes care of them but remains a separate family unit with his wife and children when it comes to decisions pertaining to their lives. Much time is lost for a husband in trying to sort out the ‘MIL- DIL war’ (mother in law, daughter in law battles). This will ensure a good relationship between the wife and in-laws and avoid a lot of unnecessary, time consuming relationship mending.
The fifth area is the matter of children. There is a saying “monkey see, monkey do”. Children will follow whatever the parents have taught them through words or actions. It is said that a child’s value foundation is ingrained in the mind between the ages of zero to 8. After this, the child will build upon this foundation. Hence if you want to save time and have a good balance, time with children is of utmost importance.
Most working couples leave their children with grandparents/maids/crèches. If possible, it would be better that either husband or wife is at home during the crucial years of a child growing up. Look back at your school going years. Who did you want to see when you came back from school? With whom did you want to share your feelings and experiences of school? Often it was your mum. She would hug you, clean you up and then give you snacks and listen to you. Hence, when we talk of a balanced time, balance the time with your children. We will Reap what we sow.
The sixth area of balancing our family time and work time is a fundamental thing called LOVE. Loving your spouse before marriage is easy. It is all about the romance and passion. However, as the years go by, work pressure, children, financial troubles etc. take a toll on the marriage. The couple is too bogged down by other things to spend time on looking good for their spouse and do not care about making an effort.
By the way, if you ever meet my wife, you will think she looks like my daughter. In fact, one day a salesman came to our door. My wife opened the door for him and he told her to call her dad (me) for business discussions!! My wife thinks I am a MCP (manly, charming, patient—that is what I like to think). I keep telling her that she is still the same as when I married her (which is true). How does this fit into Family-work time balancing?
If a couple is in love and attracted to each other, then they hurry to get back home. In many a city all over the world, men go to pubs/ bars after work rather than rush home to their wives. One of the reasons is the lack of intimacy. Men’s eyes tend to wander and that is a danger signal. I have a strong belief that Woman was made special by God. It is insulting when we allow women to be used as objects rather than as a special gift from God. Hence, just as we rush to office for work (because we love money); we need to rush home to our beauties (because they are the ones we are working for).
These are a few areas that we had to prioritize to get the balance right. Put first thing first and everything else with follow. I may not always get it right and have all the answers but what I have is that I fear the BIG BOSS upstairs (GOD) and I love my wife. Because for me the formula is LOVE = TIME.
Mr. Devendra Chowdary has 32 years of experience and has been associated with SAIL, Citibank and Infosys. At Infosys, he anchors the learning and development / leadership development. His wife Asha is an Editor with a leading newspaper and they have two daughters.
Leave a Comment