Another life snuffed out in its prime. How tragic and how unnecessary! God has made us, as parents, His stewards by entrusting us with the awesome responsibility and privilege of looking after His property, our dependent children and the elderly.
The family is a microcosm of society and hence what happens in individual homes on a large scale is reflected in society. How can we discharge this responsibility towards our children? As human beings with feet of clay we will go wrong sometimes. We should therefore introspect and try to figure out where the problem lies before we are able to take remedial actions. Sometimes we are so caught up in the rat race and so determined to acquire position and riches in this world that we do not have a clue about what is happening to our children under our very noses.
We fail to understand the tremendous pressures they are facing. Peer groups can be very uncharitable. More and more youngsters are seeking higher education and there are insufficient colleges. Jobs are growing scarcer during these inflationary times. Youngsters flock to colleges, thinking they will acquire some magic wand that will ensure that they get a good job. Parents should not add to their stress by insisting on high grades over and above their capability.
Gauging a child’s capabilities and developing a rapport with him/her cannot be done overnight. There is a saying, “Human beings, like plants, grow in the field of acceptance, not in the soil of rejection.” Some parents make great sacrifices in order to give their kids the education they never had and are disappointed when their kids don’t reach their expectations. In their anxiety to give their offspring a better future, they unwittingly push them over the edge.
A fruit vendor and his wife supply fruit to our building. This illiterate couple worked themselves to the bone to educate their three sons. Their ambition was to make their sons masters of their village school. The two older boys did their parents proud but they were facing a problem with their third son. The boy would accompany them and they would berate him in my presence, complaining that he had failed the HSC exam. It was obvious that the boy was getting depressed.
I said a short prayer and asked God to guide me. I patiently explained to the ambitious parents that each child has different capabilities. It would be unfair for them to expect their youngest son to match the achievements of his older siblings. They should encourage him to continue his studies but at his own pace. Thankfully they listened to my advice. A couple of years later they visited me and were beaming with pride; the boy had cleared his exam and was all set to be a village schoolmaster.
Dads and moms, beware of having parasitic egos that thrive on your kids’ achievements. Anil was a corrupt government official. In order to gain respect, he got his son, Ashok, admission into an engineering college by greasing palms. The boy would repeatedly fail which invited the wrath and sarcasm of his father. One day the parents left the house for a social engagement, impressing upon Ashok his duty to study hard for the impending exams. When they returned, to their horror, they found that Ashok had taken his own life.
History abounds with instances of people who have made it big though they did not have a string of degrees behind their names. Bill Gates and the Late Steve Jobs were college drop outs. The Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar did not go to college. If your child is not cut out for academics, he/she may have other talents to compensate. Similarly, top scorers have not always been successful. In the examination called Life they are sometimes trailing behind their less brainy classmates because they are too introverted and lack social skills.
My husband Nelson, a Chemical Engineer from IIT Powai, told me of a silver medalist during his time who had a mental breakdown he never recovered from. He literally mugged his way to a medal but to what avail? There are a lot of youngsters who have carved a niche for themselves in careers which require the acquisition of skills, not of marks. Career counselors could be approached. Kids could take aptitude tests if they are rather confused about which career path they should pursue.
It is unfair to push our children into an educational stream they are not interested in just because we hold the purse strings. Rohan is a doctor who always dreamt that his daughter Avanti would one day take over his practice. But Avanti’s heart was in fashion designing. There were heated arguments at home until thankfully Avanti’s mother intervened and convinced Rohan that he should allow and support Avanti in following her dreams. She is a successful designer today.
My son, Aloke, is a Production Engineer but he has chosen an entirely different field – that of Information Technology. Work for him is fun. Another factor that comes into play is the generation gap. Parents sometimes harbor ideas that are totally out of sync with reality. When I was young, the parental perception on intelligence was, “Only science students are bright. Those who go in for the humanities or commerce such as yours truly, were unfortunately, perceived to be a bit lacking in grey matter.
My mother would often repeat this statement. It had an adverse impact on my confidence levels but fortunately my father thought differently. He encouraged my latent talents. We parents should keep ourselves acquainted with new opportunities and new courses as this information could be useful for our kids.
My cousins Roy and Sybil Dagama have a mentally challenged son, Savio. As Savio’s stewards, they realized that though Savio is incapable of looking after himself independently, he has talents which need to be tapped. In order to encourage Savio and similarly disabled youth, Roy, Sybil and their daughter Lianne have founded an NGO aptly called Atmavishwas. This NGO runs two workshops, one in Mumbai and the other in Goa, where youngsters are taught to make cards, book covers, comfort pillows for cancer stricken children, necklaces made out of glossy paper, and other handicrafts. They also embroider on hand towels and aprons.
Empowerment comes from within the individual, not from outside. Impress on them that failures are stepping stones to success. An old saying puts it very succinctly: “Six times down; seven times up – such is life.” Impress upon your children that God, the Master Craftsman, has lovingly fashioned each one of us in a unique way. The world would be a boring place indeed if each of us had the same IQ and talents. Besides, each of us has a different function to perform so that society can function efficiently. We are all participants in the play called Life. A few have stellar roles, the majority has bit parts and there are a whole lot of people who work behind the scenes.
Above all, parents should impress on their children that exams are not the end of learning. In order to succeed, they must constantly keep themselves abreast of new developments in the field they have chosen to specialize in. They need to expand their mental horizons in other areas as well. They should be taught that bookish knowledge is not adequate. They should be encouraged in creative out-of-the-box thinking which unfortunately our education system does not encourage. Exams are not the be-all-and- end-all of life after all.
Ms. Monica Fernandes is a freelance writer for various publications. She is the author of a book for teenagers titled “Towards a Fuller Life” published by Better Yourself Books.
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