I tried to end my life. But even in that I failed. That was 20 years ago. Today, I am a happy human being, on top of the world, close to heaven wherever heaven is, leading a meaningful life, singing a new song of joy every morning.
Please do not misunderstand me. Woe to me if it comes across that I am trying to advocate the state of single parenting. I am not. Being married to the right person is the best state of life to be in. You are there for each other – you whisper, you agree, you laugh, you enjoy, you bore each other, you disagree, you fight, you fume, but you would never be able to live without one another. By the time you reach the decades that start with ‘s’, that’s when the marriage gets most meaningful.
You are glad you met, merged and will now melt into eternity together. However, if life simply did not play you the right marriage card, or if you were deprived of ‘happily ever after’ because death or divorce did you apart; …then there is another state that can and does spell bliss. I am experiencing this condition and would like to present it today. It is the ‘parallel best’ state of life to be in. It is not a state you can wish upon yourself or go to a seminar and get ten-tips on.
There is a dark and deep tunnel filled with murky water that you have to swim through before you get to the other side, you can fully avoid drowning or getting filthy and that is what this reflective piece is all about. Please do not read it vicariously. If you are a single parent, use this time to assess your own situation, to firm your options and your attitude. Let’s not waste time. Take a deep breath, pinch your nostrils together, raise your head, and JUMP. We’ll swim through it together, and identify the rivers as we cross them.
RIVER OF REALITY
This is a frighteningly deep one and it fills you with desperation and fear, you often feel you are drowning. I never wanted to be a single parent. As a child I played with dolls and created the most innovative doll’s house. I wanted to marry a man I fell in love with, and for the two of us to build a sweet little nest, somewhere around the west, and let the rest of the world go by. That did not happen.
I did marry the man I loved but my husband fell out of love with me and in love with somebody else (my younger sister!). It’s difficult to pinpoint where the vicious circle starts. Did he fall out of love with me because I turned into an ugly human being? Or did I turn ugly because I was unloved and eventually rejected? Who knows? The important thing to remember is that post-mortems do not bring the dead back to life.
Because of the media job I held and the journalists who were my friends and especially those who were my enemies, I was consumed with one driving compulsion: “I have to get through this thing with dignity. I don’t want anyone to ever think of me as a ‘bechari’ or ‘poor thing’.” Because of the compulsion, for years after he walked out, I would conceal the situation. When I was transferred to Bangalore to start a new magazine for my company, and friends and relatives asked where my husband was, I would glibly say that he had a security agency and had to be in Mumbai.
Lies, lies, lies, which stopped only when two things happened: The Cardinal from Mumbai and the Archbishop of Bangalore who between them, organized for my children to get admission into the most convenient catholic establishments, also advised me to be honest with the Principals about my status: “It is important for them to know the reality because only then will they sympathize with your plight, give extra care to your children and also help you through difficult situations.”
The counselor at Manav Kala Kendra told me to be honest: “I am not telling you to broadcast it to everyone. But it is important to let the significant people in your environment know you are on your own. If they ask you what happened, and you do not want to go into it, all you need to do, is tell them gently, ‘I am unable to share details at this time, but I would really appreciate your prayers and good wishes.’
So thereafter, the truth came out in a guarded, selective manner, which left me more time to confront it myself which I had not done until this point: People do not aspire for cancer, but they get it, and then they have to take it on from there. I did not want to be a single parent, but now that I was one, I had to take it on from there. Before this had happened to me, I used to be “Jerry & Lou’s daughter” and then “Peter’s wife”.
Now, who was I; more important, who did I want to be? I said it aloud: “I am a single parent, mother of Johann, Jacqueline and Janet. We are on our own, lonely, a bit battered, but not alone. I believe if we invite Him to head our family, Jesus can be with us, and we will get through this in ishtyle!” The invitation was issued, accepted, and a lot of the heaviness from our hearts lifted. It did not happen overnight; it took several months. But the first river had been crossed.
RIVER OF FOOLISHNESS
The urge for a divorced spouse to remarry immediately after the divorce comes through is overwhelming. I know the feeling. My divorce came through in June 2000, and by September of the same year I was already contemplating re-marriage; I was to fly to the US on October 1, to marry an American pastor. Thank goodness, Christ was swimming beside me in the river and He quickly stopped that foolishness.
I’m sharing my stupidity only because I want you to realize that I understand the need and the feeling. Your pride has taken a beating and you want to confront rejection with rebellion. The feeling is “Go to hell! I can find someone better than you.” The biggest mistake some single mothers make – after being separated, divorced or widowed – is to look for someone else to be dependent upon. Still trying to save your fairy tale, you dream of another Mr. Right who will ride over the horizon on a beautiful stallion to scoop you up (with an arm big enough to scoop your child or children too).
I am not saying this is a dream to doom; what I am suggesting that it is a little premature to dream that dream in this part of the river. It can turn out to be a horrible mistake and transfer you from the frying pan straight into the crackling fire.
“Don’t do it,” said Bob (Robert G. Junior) Barnes, as he responded to interview questions put by American family expert counselor, Dr. James Dobson. “Under no circumstances should human beings, especially women, remarry for at least two years after the divorce. It takes around that much of time for feelings to stabilize, for a woman to heal, and for clarity to come into her thinking. If she rushes into another relationship, in nine times out of ten, she ends up with a man or a situation that is ten times worse than the one that led to the divorce.”
Dr. Dobson asked Barnes (who incidentally grew up in a single parent home and today runs a home and counseling for the children of single parent families), ‘How then should a woman deal with loneliness and depression during those two years?’ Barnes replied, “I don’t mean to trivialize her hurt or sound spiritually flippant – but for this time, she should in a very real sense make God/Christ her spouse, and turn to Him for everything – counsel, provision and comfort.” I was listening to the tape of this interview on a return journey from Coimbatore to Bangalore and I remember gritting my teeth as I heard the exchange.
Bob sat in the air-conditioned audio studio doing this interview while his cool wife Rosemary sat in the lounge outside waiting for him – it was fine for him to talk about a divine spouse when he had everything good going for him. What did he know about the times of trauma and terror that a single mom has to cope with by herself? The train chugged into Bangalore East station around 5 in the morning.
My home was a 5-minute walking distance from the station but I needed an auto-rickshaw to transport me because I had a laptop and lot of teaching aids that I’d taken along to the seminar I’d taught at. The rickshaw drivers were not going to miss the opportunity to make a quick buck. “Seventy rupees!” they demanded, for a ride that was then metered at Rs. 8! I grunted in an undertone: “Make God your spouse indeed!
So okay, divine spouse, where are you now and how am I supposed to handle this situation?” I’d barely muttered that when a voice near me spoke out of the darkness. “Hi, do you want a lift home? My children have come to fetch me and we pass your house, so I can drop you if you want.” I got goose bumps. The voice belonged to an acquaintance I knew only faintly and while I was recovering from the surprise, she and her children picked up my luggage and led me to their comfortable van.
‘Okay, okay,’ I said to the Lord as I could feel Him smile, ‘I get the message. You don’t have to rub it in.’ From then on I stopped being obsessed about looking for superman to come and whisk me and my three children away to a faraway haven. The second river was behind me.
RIVER OF VULNERABILITY
A single male parent has to watch out for manipulative women who will try to work their way into his emotions and life through his children. With a single mom, it is a bit more complicated. In that delightful romantic comedy, Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) is literally cruising around in a romance with Dorothy Boyd (Renee Zellweger) when his friend Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) instructs him firmly, “If you don’t love her, tell her.
She is a single mother you know, that’s sacred stuff, you don’t fool around with a single mother.” Unfortunately, there are many men (like Jerry Maguire) who think it is okay to casually date single moms; there are even more men who consider them easy bait to be used and then discarded. Every single mom should see herself as “sacred stuff” and guard her vulnerability. I remember a pastor’s wife who wanted her husband to drop me home after a prayer meeting.
The first time, I got caught unawares; when she tried to do it a second time, I said I’d manage on my own. Her retort was, “It’s okay, I don’t mind.” Shocked by the arrogance or was it insensitivity, I said, “But I do!” Seeing the astonished look on their faces, I explained in a kinder tone, “He is a pastor; many in Bangalore know I am a divorced woman. Someone could see us and misunderstand.” They dropped in later that night and apologized profoundly.
“We just didn’t see it that way,” they said. Ladies, you will have to draw your boundaries. You need to think preemptively about situations that will leave you open to hurt and exploitation and plan your life accordingly. Over the years, I have developed a code: I attend the church part of a marriage, but not the reception. For day time events or functions, I drive myself (or organize a taxi) so that I can go and return at my own convenience.
I avoid night functions unless they are mandatory, in which case I ensure that one of my three adult children are with me. Though I get on very well with men, I avoid conversations with them unless their wives are with them. I felt light-headed with relief as I swam beyond river three.
RIVER OF GUILT
When bad days sometimes turn into bad seasons, you look at all that has transpired and you decide, ‘I deserve what I’m going through.’ You see your children struggling and you want to whip yourself: ‘I’ve ruined so many lives, and so many good things have gone bad because of me.’ Every time a single parent looks at the confused eyes of a small child, the guilt is overbearing. Let’s deal with it: Could I have saved my marriage (or could I have stopped my spouse from leaving\dying)?
If the answer is No, then you need to say it aloud and move on with your life. After I was “born again” and had committed my life to Christ, I pleaded with Peter not to leave. I said, “Earlier, we tried on our own; this time we’ll make it through with Him.” It did not work. It becomes difficult to save a marriage when a third person is involved. When a man has made up his mind to leave, he will go no matter what anyone says or does.
On the other hand, if your answer to the question is Yes, I could have tried to save my marriage if I’d tried hard enough the current truth is that there is nothing you can do about it. The divorce is through, the other spouse has remarried; your regrets are pointless. A lot of our time as single parents is invested in trying to justify the situation, so that we can feel vindicated or else so that others can feel sorry for us.
Many of my divorced friends would try and highlight verses of Scripture from the Bible, trying to justify their choice. What I did was to go one afternoon on bended knees before the Lord. I remember weeping aloud and saying broken- heartedly,
“O LORD, I know you hate divorce. I married Peter and you wanted me to stick through it for better or worse. I am sorry that I could not resign myself to the ‘worse’ and agreed to the divorce as a way out. I am a sinner and my life is a mess. If You can find it in Your tender heart to forgive me for the sin of divorce, then here, take my life and make it Your own, and use it for Your purposes.”
The minute I’d made that prayer, God exploded into my situation and my life changed in the most marvelous way. I got an enviable job, emotional stability, and a meaningful ministry with single parent families. Just as well, for what lay ahead was a threatening river that could have destroyed everything.
RIVER OF RAGE
Running perpendicular to the river of guilt there is a rip current which may seem like an undertow, but actually pulls you away from where you may be swimming casually. Like the rip current in the ocean, if you thrash around and get disoriented, you may end up being pulled along the ocean bottom. But if you relax your body, you can keep safely near the surface. We are talking about anger and rage. When a spouse has died prematurely or walked out on the family – the feeling of abandonment leads to justifiable anger.
If the latter is the case, if the absent person is a renegade father, you do not want him within a mile of your house; you fear he will corrupt and pollute the children. Warring ex-couples who truly love their children, will find it in them to sit down and make a decision: “We will not use the children to settle scores with one another. We will consider their needs and emotions above ours at all times.”
Though the courts had restricted it, I allowed my husband open access to my children at all times. There was the risk that he would poison their minds, unsettle their emotions, bring disorder into their disciplined lives. It was a risk I took because even if there had to be some negative input in allowing them to meet and communicate – it would be less harmful than their not meeting each other at all. It is important to remember that in the bigger picture of life, children need both parents, whether or not one may be a renegade, nonchalant parent. At least then there is damage-control.
RIVER OF PARENTING
This is the river that has so many currents, undercurrents and tsunamis that many times you may prefer drowning to trying to stay afloat. If I did not have the Lord with me, constantly keeping my head above the surface, I would have gone down under, no doubt about it. It is the most piercing aftermath of divorce; single parenting. A child did not ask to be born, and once born the child wanted a normal family.
Not this splintered, fragmented, mockery of a family that leaves him with an eternal hole in his soul. I used all my creativity and ingenuity, my empathy and counseling skills to make life pleasant for my children. We made golden rules and silver traditions; communication was the password. We talked into the wee hours, on birthday eves, during the heart-spill-over season of Christmas. We would organize a ‘family court’ to resolve problems, to try and make every situation a win-win one.
After a weary day at work, I would organize a fun quiz (on the day’s political and social events) with a box of chocolate nutties as the prize; their friends loved to come to birthday parties because they were filled with the rarest of games and pleasure treasures. However, the bottom line is that the child would be ready to trade all that for a home in which mummy and daddy live together and love each other. During the final attempt at reconciliation between my husband and me, when a peacemaker- friend was talking to the whole family, around midnight, with eyes begging for sleep, my youngest daughter looked at the peacemaker and said to the whole family: “I really cannot understand what mummy’s and daddy’s problem is; why can’t they simply love each other?”
Later, whenever their father visited, they were carefree and happy. When alone with me, they were often sullen and resentful. “Their anger is against both parents,” my counselor explained, “since you are the parent who is present, you get a double share.” To survive the years of life with three teenage children, I made it a point to go regularly (at least once a fortnight) to a Christian counselor.
It prevented me from going around with an open wound for the days between appointments; I knew I could save my hurt, rage and bewilderment for the hours in the counseling chamber. I opted for a Christian counselor, because I liked the emphasis on peace, forgiveness, God’s grace. It taught me to do my best for my children. They did not necessarily say “thank you”. (Elsewhere in this issue, my daughter has written a piece.
She sent it to me first, asking me to “add or subtract”. I was taken aback at what I read; there were only bad memories. However, all I did was to make a few grammatical corrections in the piece and to assure her, ‘You are entitled to your opinions.’ I have always allowed them their perspectives.) There was always the Lord near me to be my encourager and motivator. It enabled me to take many leaps (laps, since the context is swimming) toward maturity.
The swim through the rivers of maturity, handling finances wisely, and trusting God at all times, follow in quick succession. And then the light at the end of the tunnel. The grass is green, the birds are singing. You are no longer a crisis parent. You feel adequate, you feel strong, there is the bubble of anticipation tickling your soul. You step out only to discover that you have one more river to cross.
RIVER OF DELIGHT
Like I said right at the start, the best state to be in is the marital state found in a solid marriage based on Godly principles. The ‘parallel best’ state reveals a single parent solid family also living on God’s principles. Once you fear God and seek His will in all you do, the boundary lines begin to smoothly fall in pleasant places. Your God-given endurance and perseverance enabled you to move from strength to strength and today you can find your heart spilling over with joy as you see your adult children living Godly lives, fulfilling their individual destinies in Christ.
It is only at this stage that you pause a minute to think of your own life and future. What lies in store for you? “It is not good for man (woman) to be alone” -God Himself acknowledged this fact right at the beginning of creation and He provided a suitable companion to the lone person. He can do the same for you today if you leave the responsibility of your major decisions in His hands – that’s the greatest benefit of being a “born again” Christian, to trust and depend on the living Saviour while you tackle the every day nitty gritty. One day at a time.
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