I had worked till the week of my first child’s delivery and stopped only two days prior because my boss said ‘you better go home.’ We shifted house that week too. When the contractions started, I had a hot bath and even managed to sleep that night. Reached hospital early morning and in a few hours (Ok! those few hours were terrible and I screamed my lungs out) my 3.76 kg baby was in our arms. He was huge, healthy and feeding well in no time.
No Two Pregnancies Are Alike
So a few years later when I was pregnant with my second one, I assumed I would cruise this one easier than the first as I was more experienced. So against popular advice, I used a two-wheeler, went about life as usual through the first months. Around the fifth month I was teaching a week of sessions with a group of teenagers. On the last day as I was getting ready to leave home, I realized I had spotting (bleeding). I was worried but didn’t think it would be too much of a problem.
Anyways went to the hospital. By then the bleeding had increased. The nurse who examined me said nothing to me, but she called the doctor and said in my hearing ‘she is having an abortion’. My world collapsed. I called my spouse who was outside and gave him the shocking news.
Miracle Of Emergent Cerclage
The doctor gave instructions for me to be prepared for OT by the time she arrived. While I was in the OT, my family, friends and whole community including all the kids I was working with were praying sincerely for a miracle, which the doctor had told my hubby was unlikely.
When I came out of the OT and regained consciousness my spouse had news for me. When the doctor started the procedure, she saw that the sac was literally coming out but the sac had not broken, so she pushed it in and stitched the cervix (cervical cerclage or emergent cerclage). She said she had never done cerclage after the sac was out before, so we have to wait and see what happens.
Over the next few days of being monitored in the hospital the baby seemed to be doing well. The doctor said she would send me home only under the promise that I would be under complete bed rest with my leg elevated. My baby was in a hurry to come out and we had to keep him in as long as possible.
We did not even have a cot at home (we slept on the floor). But by the time we got home, a friend set up a bed at our home with the leg side lifted up. Thank God for friends.
Bed Rest
Thus started one of the most challenging periods of my life! For a person who cannot sit quietly for a minute and walks around even while talking on phone, bed rest felt like life sentence. But the fear of my lack of discipline causing harm to my baby made me stay in bed albeit grumpy. I was marking days on the calendar hoping to have full term delivery sooo…oon.
It was very difficult not to carry or play with my first son who found it difficult to comprehend what was happening. It was also a very challenging time for my spouse who had to do all the parenting, house work and care for me while trying to work on his PHD and regular work. He finally had to give up his PHD as it was all too much.
To top it all, I was very irritable and many times unreasonable, trying to come to terms with the sudden changes in my life. ‘What went wrong? When I had such an easy first pregnancy why was this one so challenging? What if I lose the baby because of my carelessness?’ Thoughts drove me crazy as did the bed rest punishment.
Back at the Hospital
We managed a month and the baby was six months in the womb. I started feeling may be the doctor is exaggerating this whole bed rest thing. I started to move around just a bit. One day when we were expecting guests I slipped out of bed and just settled a few things. It seemed all good.
But next morning I was back in hospital with same problem- baby is in super hurry to come out, in spite of the stitches. Again into the OT and this time again doctor had to hem him in. Doctor said emergent cerclage (stitching) twice for the same baby is first time too — may or may not work. But then again prayers were answered and he seemed to reconcile to being in for few more weeks.
Born but shifted to NICU
It was a very challenging time — fear, anxiety, frustration, hope, expectation and what not. Another month passed by very slowly. But by the end of the seventh month, there he was again impatient to get out. Back to the hospital! We thought we will have another narrow escape. But it was not to be. He came out and cried. He seemed to be fine. I thought now life can go back to normal. What a shock I was in for.
Even while I was in the labour room, they shifted my son to the neo-natal ICU. I expected he will be fine in a few days and then we can all go back home. But it was not to be. It was a long battle he had to fight for survival. A month of uncertainty, tests, infections, antibiotics, endless cycles of extracting milk and sterilizing containers!
He was too weak and small to suck. He was only 1.5 kg. He was so small I was scared I would squash him. He was in an incubator and I could visit him, try feeding him, hold him and then put him back. The NICU was always full of babies with multiple complications and the parents would wait outside indefinitely not knowing what would
happen next.
Everyday after the rounds, the doctor would meet the parents and update them. The wait to meet the doctor was very stressful and felt like getting your board exam results. You hoped for the best news but feared a bad report. The doctor that my son had was amazing — always cheerful in the midst of emergencies, very supportive and encouraging, though she never gave any false hopes. Dr. Archana you rock!
But the doctors too did not know it all and were trying many things they thought might help. It took them a long time to figure out what the infection was and how to treat it. Meanwhile everyday he was being fed through a feeding tube put through his nose to the stomach, and punched every day for drawing blood for umpteen tests to locate the problems. He was a fighter. Friends, family and loved ones constantly upheld him in
prayer, and he hung in there.
The worst part was coming in the morning and sometimes seeing a small bundle wrapped in white cloth, scared to death if that was your boy. If it was not yours, there was relief. But along with it was the grief and confusion of sharing the sorrow of another parent whom you got to know over the weeks. Added to this was my guilt of not being able to be a mother to my first son who was with his grandparents and wanting so much to come with us.
Fear
Fear was my constant companion. I who had prided myself that I could take whatever life throws at me suddenly found myself limp and telling God he could not take my son away. For the first time I realized what it was to be totally helpless and not in control.
I was a people helper and social worker by profession and out there were so many mothers needing a listening ear, encouragement, support. But now I had almost no energy to give anything to anyone. I was in my own whirlwind.
God’s amazing grace, prayers of loved ones and the skill of doctors all worked and my son started improving. After a month they sent him home to see how he copes. We brought him home, but I was still so fearful of whether he would survive.
Every time we had to feed him (he was not yet sucking enough), I was scared he would aspirate. It was a cycle every two hours-extract milk, feed, sterilize and then back to step 1. We did not get much sleep at night because of this process. But we both spent time together during that period praying and reflecting on our life, relationships, priorities, and vision. What is it we wanted from life? What mattered?
Life Lessons
These experiences and reflections taught me two things. One, no point being afraid of losing a loved one. We have no guarantees in life. Life throws a googly at us all the time and we need to be prepared to take whatever comes our way. Love your loved ones while they are around. Celebrate them.
Two, enjoy the moment. The only certainty we have is this moment. This moment with our loved ones, with our dreams and our passions. Live it to the fullest. You have your parents, spouse, kids today with you then; enjoy the time with them — love, laugh, live in the moment. You have a dream, a passion then go for it. Today is all we have to celebrate what we have.
My sons are now nine and seven. Both doing well by God’s grace! I am thankful for all I have – family, friends, meaningful and fulfilling work. And while I have it I value it, enjoy it, and try to make most of it. That’s the lesson life taught me and I hope I never forget it.
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