My mother suffered from depression right after my father’s death. People used to say that my parents were “two peas in a pod”. My elder sister and I had never seen them fight. We were blessed to have a normal and happy childhood with no bitter memories. So the sudden emptiness that filled our hearts and our home left us devastated.
It all started with my mother’s sleepless nights and unwillingness to do the normal daily chores. She used to lie awake the whole night crying and sometimes my sister and I would cry too because we all missed him. But slowly with our school and work we had to come to terms with it. Mother started working again at the school where she had been teaching for 20 years but she was still very emotionally unstable.
Through those times the only thing that kept me going was patience and prayers. At times I felt helpless and angry. With the situation at home it was difficult for me to concentrate on my studies but somehow I managed. I used to ask myself, when will she be alright? Why is she behaving like this? My sister used to have bouts of emotional outbursts, crying, shouting at mother and that time I used to try and calm her down.
Time flew and it was when I decided to get married that my mother’s depression re-surfaced. She was worried about where the funds would come though financially there was nothing to worry about. Trying to reason with her was in vain as she would not understand. Thinking about her health, I told my family I would be fine doing just a registered wedding. She was panicking about every little thing. At that time my sister, uncle and aunty were a great support in helping her and organizing the wedding in our church as I always wanted. We tried to do the wedding on a very tight budget as my mom was having anxiety attacks thinking and worrying about unnecessary things which were taken care of. It was frustrating for me and my sister, the only thing we could do was pray and ask God to help us face these difficulties. After my wedding I came to Bangalore from Kolkata.
A few years later it was time for my sister to get married and I went to Kolkata. By that time my mother was very very dependent on my sister. The very thought of her going away to Delhi made her fret and panic. This time the depression was at its peak. She had started seeing a psychiatrist and was on antidepressants but these were not helping much either. She completely stopped listening to us. She used to ask the same questions again and again, she would sit in the dark and brood.
She was retired now but was offered an extension in a different branch near our house. At this time the lady in charge of that school was also a reason for her added tension. The lady used to humiliate her in front of other teachers for no reason, for which she refused to go to school. There had been times where my uncle and sister accompanied her as she used to be so scared to go to work. It took a real toll on us too, sometimes we used to get so frustrated with her and shout at our own mother but we knew it was not right as she was suffering a great deal.
Anyway my sister got married and everything went smoothly by God’s grace and my husband and I decided we would bring my mother to Bangalore and not leave her alone. So she resigned from her job and came with us. We had met a counselor through a family friend and we took her to him for almost 3-4 months regularly and we started seeing positive changes in her. The sessions were very difficult as she used to bring out all the pent up grief just by talking and sharing.
Slowly we saw her health getting better. She could finally sleep in peace without medication. She was gaining her confidence back. The counselor told her to keep herself busy by reading, listening to music, writing and above all praying. It was a miracle for us to see this drastic change in her. It was so good to see my mother smiling and being normal just like before. We will be ever grateful to our counselor as he cured my mother from something which we thought was impossible to come out of.
At present she lives in Kolkata. She has learnt how to email and listen to music on youtube. She keeps in touch with all her relatives. She bakes amazing cakes, goes out with friends and participates in church activities and keeps herself really busy. Sometimes we joke that our mother is busier than us!
As I said earlier, depression of a loved one starts affecting you too. I feel it is very important for someone who is dealing with a depressed person to be able to stay positive and patient. Dealing with a depressed person day in and day out takes a lot of mental strength. To de-stress, it is important to do something which makes you feel good (listening to music, talking to your friends, or going out shopping etc.) I used to do a lot of volunteer work with NGOs which gave me peace of mind and perspective as I saw worse situations than what I was going through and this gave me the strength to go on.
For people going through the difficult task of handling a depressed loved one I would suggest to be patient first. Recognize his or her problem, try and talk about positive things to the person and seek out professional help as we will not be able to tackle or understand issues which they will. There are so many people who think that taking help from a counselor means that the person is crazy, and what will society think! It is sad that in this day and age people still think that way. There will be times when maybe the depressed person will have suicidal tendencies and at that time you will have no idea what to do unless you take help from a professional.
It is also important to have a good family support system. I had my aunt and uncle to help us throughout these difficult times. I have also learnt that family is the most important thing in my life.
It was a very difficult journey for all of us. It was frustrating and sometimes infuriating but God gave us the patience and strength to face it all.
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