Relationship Matters:
Coping with Change

“I’m a 35 year old engineer, working for a reputed firm for close to 6 years. For the past year I’ve been finding my work a burden, it is both disinteresting and meaningless. There is nothing specifically wrong; my performance has been quite good. Yet, I long for change, and something that will prove meaningful. Is it foolish to take risks? I also have a family to take care of.”

Firstly, I see that consistent performance coupled with a fairly long tenure at your work place seems a personal strength. I understand that your struggle with the dissatisfaction you’re experiencing is coming out of much thought (a whole year). It sounds like you want to move on one hand while on the other hand you’re wondering whether taking risks will prove too costly and put your family in a difficult position. At some point many people do ask existential questions stemming from a vacuum of finding life, work, roles etc meaningless. I hear your need to challenge yourself, to find something that would make your life personally interesting, enjoyable and above all, meaningful. There is also an equal possibility that you are experiencing burn out at work. Long hours, redundancy and strain at work may have led to the current state. What can you do? The possibilities are endless. But here are just a few possibilities you can explore.

1. Firstly, the stereotype statement ‘take a break’ can do wonders. It helps your tired mind and body relax. It is an opportunity to look at work with a new perspective, take stock of your life so far, time to exclusively discuss, distract or think in-depth about what’s on your mind. It also gives you the chance to have a holiday- exercise, trek, spend time with loved ones. Customize these options to suit your personal style, it will help you return more refreshed, clear and prepared.
2. Have you discovered any platform you find meaningful? It could be getting involved in social service, writing, painting etc. Give yourself pockets of time where you find a form of meaning which appeals to your personally. This may open up new avenues to discover who you are and what you want.
3. Thirdly, career wise take an active interest in finding out whether there is scope for you to grow in your organization. Chart your career path so far, discuss, look at new work, test out various options.
4. Fourthly, if you know that career change is what you truly want, explore and discover what you would find meaningful. Once you have zeroed down on something; minimize risks by spelling out the pros and cons of that decision. Experiment your job options on a trial basis.

Don’t be harsh on yourself, its human to make mistakes. Taking calculated risks as well as not limiting or inhibiting oneself to live life more fully is a fine balance we constantly try to make.

 

“My husband has been transferred to a new city. It’s been three months since we’ve moved and I find the change too much to stomach. Previously we had a comfortable circle of friends and my parents stayed close by too. Now, in this new place the culture is so different, I don’t know anybody. It’s taxing on me, shifting in, and rearranging the house, taking the children to the new school, its endless work and I’m lonely.”

The first few months when one has shifted into a new city can be extremely stressful. I can see how overwhelming it’s been for you, especially leaving behind the familiarity of friends and family. The process of being uprooted can leave you feeling insecure, it’s only normal to feel this way.

Shifting out and reestablishing yourself in a new place can be a daunting task. However, the human mind like the human body is highly adaptable. You seem to be facing a myriad of tasks to be accomplished as well as the need for friends on the other. The good thing is you are courageous enough to have come so far. Even though it was a difficult change, you’ve arrived in this new city along with your husband and children.

You wish you knew someone in this new place, which shows an inclination to befriend others. As you prioritize and complete tasks, routines come into being, house hold tasks get familiar, your husband, children adjust to school and the workplace–the more you will be able to call this place your home. The initial unfamiliarity will make way for feeling a little more in control. This will also give you time to make new friends. Try scouting around for contacts you can make in this new city. It could be a friend’s friend or an old classmate on facebook. Strike up a conversation with a neighbor, a parent at your child’s school, and other associations which give you a place to find potential friends.

This change will also give you the opportunity to redefine relationships with family and friends. Keeping in touch, having them come over, looking forward to trips back to your old place can make you cherish relationships and still maintain ties in a healthy manner. Moving out widens your social network.

Here’s an opportunity to establish yourself in a new place, by moving from our comfort zones we can surprise ourselves by the friendships, resources and character we build.

“I am a new mum, happy that I have a new baby. However, the first week after my little boy was born I found myself completely helpless. I cry for no reason, my little one is completely dependent on me; I enjoy that but feel so exhausted, I am nursing my baby almost 24 hours a day! I’ve taken off from work because I want to be there for my son. But is there something wrong, I’m supposed to be all happy and I’m not”

More than half the population of new mothers experience ‘baby blues’ (post partum blues). So when you find yourself overwhelmed and in tears during the initial days, it’s only normal. The first few months of a new born can be especially demanding on a mother. Since your baby is nursing, you may feel tied down and cut off from the world outside. It is both exhilarating and exhausting and life takes on a new turn.

I can see how much you value your child; you want to ‘be there’ for him. However, be realistic about your expectations from yourself. Sometimes, there is a constant pressure to be a mother who should be perfect in every way. This may leave you feeling miserable, even guilty because unrealistic standards can be difficult for anyone to follow. Speak to other mothers who have gone through this phase or are in the same state as you. It may give you a new perspective, you may feel more supported.

Remember, this is a season in your life; your little one will grow and become less dependent. It helps you respond appropriately when you can see the big picture. Don’t be hesitant to partner with others in taking care of your baby. When your baby sleeps, try and have ‘cat naps’. This can refresh you much.

Enjoy your baby. Watch him when he sleeps, talk to him. Give yourself some time for yourself. Go for a quick walk with your husband, a coffee with a friend etc. Find someone who can baby sit your baby for that brief time. It is a good thing to exercise to increase stamina and eat nutritiously. At this stressful time neglecting one’s health can be easy to do; you need the energy and health.

As the months go by, your little one will become more responsive and independent. I am sure you will have laughter, tears and challenges along the way. May your little one enrich your life and may this season prove meaningful in the long run.