Feature:
Challenging Change

“Change is the new constant” they say. Constants (routine) brings a level of comfort that is predictable and can be handled without much thought. On the other hand, Change can be anything from ‘mildly unsettling’ to a ‘total makeover’. There are changes that occur naturally in stages of human life and there are eventualities like illness, death, loss of a job etc. which can change one’s perspective towards life. Some go through life with an ‘All is well’ attitude whereas to some it may seem like the end of the road.

Whatever the changes may be, it is better to be equipped, because change is inevitable. The uncertainty that is associated with change causes fear. Fear not- that is my mantra for change. Change signifies the development of a new dimension to life. Change is the key to growth. The difference between a positive change and negative change is: our perspective.

I read a quote that says “A man marries a woman hoping she never changes. A woman marries a man hoping to change him”. Change is the constant! She inevitably changes, as childbirth and age take their toll. He too cannot remain constant – whether she changes him or otherwise. Marriage by its very virtue, signals changes, both individually and as a unit. Become equipped to handle the change and celebrate the difference!

With a volatile market situation, jobs are no more secure. Job changes may warrant moving to a new location. This too can become a major stress for the family. There may be change in language, culture or even status. When we moved to Mumbai from Bengaluru, our children wouldn’t play with children in our flat even after 6 months. They did not understand the rules of the games. They mostly spoke Hindi. After I left him at the school gate, my son would not let me go back until his teacher came to class because the watchman hit him on his head because he did not understand a command given by him (which was in Hindi, of course). So I took them along everywhere and tried to get them to play with other children. Now, after a year, they manage on their own. Time brings in a lot of healing in change.

Neighbours were kind. But none came too close. I realized, I had to talk. So whenever I met anyone in the lift, I spoke – just one line. “Never seen you here before, are you new here?” – “Oh no, we’ve been here for 4 years” – “Oh, I guess then we are new here, just shifted 6 months back”. Then they ask from where we were… and then acquaintances were made. Join classes or clubs to make new friends, if you are a homemaker. I used to go to pick up children from school and made friends with other mothers. They gave me information on a lot of things, the best place to buy this and that, a good pediatrician etc. To learn Marathi, we picked up illustrated children’s books, and read familiar stories in Marathi.

One thing I realize, if we connect, people connect. We need to be the change. As a parent there were so many changes that I had to deal with, almost on a daily basis. Preparing children for change is one of best things you can do for them. Those of us who have infants know how stressful a new tooth, new food, new people/ sounds can be to them. I remember my daughter cry the first time she turned over. In fact, I’ve noticed every time something new comes her way she refuses to accept it. Eventually, she does and it may be even fun. Children feel fear, confusion (just like we do). Children love Constants (just like adults).

Therefore anticipate their changes and introduce the new routine long before the need arises. When our daughter was about a year old we moved the baby cot to the adjacent room. But I was so upset about it. In fact, I cried as my baby slept in the next room (soundly, of course). Babies are comfortable with routine. Therefore, earlier you make the change the better. I have noticed it is the mother’s fear/ attachment that keeps this from happening, rather than the children themselves. In order to introduce change in our children we must be bold. Once again “Fear Not” is the mantra. The teenage phase is a time bomb of change. Physically, mentally, spiritually and socially. A parent who has anticipated well, may be able to cope well.

Well-informed parents can prepare their teenagers for this phase of radical change. Prepare yourself by reading books/magazines about teenager’s current affairs, so you will not feel too obsolete in front of them. My mother told me about my changing body. It was funny. Nevertheless, Mom kept telling me about other changes from time to time. Mom’s Kitchen became our Seat of Learning. I guess we became aware and quite prepared to face life and its numerous challenges. That is still the best way, I believe, for our kids to hear from our experiences.

“Death” they say “is the only thing in life which comes with 100% guarantee”. Many of us are ready to face it, at least in words. But what about the conditions leading to it? Being diagnosed for a major sickness can be as devastating as death itself. But it is a part of life. Let friends and family help you. Find a source of spiritual support. Do not try to fight it alone. Once again, people are made for each other. Anticipate possible physical changes, scary as it may sound, we better be equipped(after a time of grieving). We all have an amazing resilience and capacity to survive.

I just lost my cousin to cancer (as I write this article). She had that amazing resilience. Her smile was still sweet. It did not become bitter through the sickness. Questions flood the mind. It struggles to make sense. But I look around, and life goes on. Memories of childhood become dearer. It takes courage to believe we can survive, that we will grow.

Be a positive impact on people around you.
Challenging Change: Since change is inevitable, we must face it and deal with it. In order to Challenge Change we must:

1. Anticipate change: Read up, gather information from the internet, talk to people who have gone through a similar situation. The tendency is to think, I am alone, my situation is unique. It’s not true. You are not alone. You must connect.

2. Accept Change: When we accept changes that come along our way, it becomes easier for us to deal with it. If we do not accept our new situation or a new person we become bitter and hard. Others too will find it uncomfortable to be with us. The Serenity Prayer is a challenge

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”                             Reinhold Niebuhr

3. Connect with the change: It is a door to new opportunities. Remember “Fear Not!”. Fear is the great barrier. Keep yourself open. Observe, notice for a while if you must and then jump into the flow.

4. Communicate: Above all communicate. Seek help. Speak out your fears. You’ll always find someone else who is going through a similar situation or has overcome. When you do, you have already overcome half the challenge of change. After all, you do not have to re-invent the wheel!

---

Ms. Sarah Kunder is a home-maker. She lives along with her family in Mumbai.