Understanding Your Child

A few years ago, I would have responded with something like “I don’t know… Did you break it?” Resisting the urge to say what comes naturally; I paused and thought about what his question really meant. I reassuringly looked back at him and said, “Sometimes toys do break when we play with them”. At that instant he perked up and resumed his play. Karun seemed content. He had found the answer to his unspoken question “What happens to boys who accidentally break their toys during play?” To him, my answer meant “Mum knows toys can break during play. She is not angry and I don’t need to be afraid”.

Beneath the questions
Dr. Haim Ginott explains in his book “Between Parent and Child” that “conversing with children is a unique art with rules and meanings of its own. The messages are often in a code that required deciphering.” He goes on to explain that when a child tells of or asks about an event, it is frequently best to respond not to the event but to the relationship that the child is implying.

For example, Tanya who is eight years old knocks at my door every afternoon when school is done. She is very excited to see our pet bird but is not sure how I feel about her daily visits. She peeps into the kitchen ever so often seeking reassurance. How does she ask for it? She asks questions which seem unrelated. For example, as I was once spreading butter on bread, she touched the butter with her fingers and asked me “What is this, aunty?” It startled me initially.

I didn’t know what to say. Did the child not know what butter looked like? And then it dawned on me. Underneath that question was a plea. “Aunty, I love spending time here. I hope it is fine with you.” In response I simply said, “Tanya I looked forward to you coming everyday. The kids are always excited to play hide and seek with you” A bright smile flashed across her face and she skipped away happily with my little ones in tow.

Looking beneath an innocent face to uncover and recognize real struggle takes a lot of learning and practice. It is like learning a new language. The language of a listening ear combined with an empathic response. Here are some ways of dealing with children and their feelings as told by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, in their best selling book ‘How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk’.

1. Listen with full attention. Your body language sends strong signals to prove whether you are interested or not in what your child is saying.
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word; “Oh”, “Mmm”, “I see” many times this is more than enough. Too many words can distract a child from what he was intending to say.
3. Give their feelings a name. For example, if Nitin storms into the room and declares, “I hate Ashish”. Your response could be, “You seem really mad at Ashish” or “You seem really furious today”.
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy. Imagine a five year old demanding a puppy as a pet. You can say, “I hear how much you want a puppy. I wish I had a fairy godmother’s wishing wand to make a puppy appear right now”.

Descriptive Praise
We often hear descriptions like “Good Boy” and “Amazing Kid” in praise of a child’s efforts. We fail to realise that praise that centres on the child’s personality, rather than focusing on the actual piece of work he has done, does more harm that good. When your daughter comes to you with a painting that she has spent two hours on, it would be more appropriate to describe what you see on the piece of paper.

Your child looks at her painting in surprise and pleasure and believes your praise. On the other hand, if you had said “Wow. You are the best” It would make her withdraw, because she knows that she is not the best. Truly understanding your child’s questions, getting in touch with what he feels, and descriptive praise together combine to go a long way in enhancing parent child communication.