A proverb of Solomon says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” We must pause to weigh the value of our speech against the significance it holds. What about the effect our ideas and speech have on ourselves? We are certainly not immune to the power of our own words.
Our own thoughts can cause negative mood states and unhealthy behaviors. Intuitively, most people are able to recognize that their feelings and behavior are related to events or situations in their life. However, there are times when it’s not any event or situation that causes the feelings but instead, one’s own internal thoughts.
Referred to as cognitive distortion, it denies us proper self-expression by giving free rein to erroneous and instinctive ways of perceiving events. Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions—telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves.
There is of course, a way to alter the default tracks of our mind. Assertive communication is that solution. It reduces stress, helps foster better communication, and boosts your self-esteem while earning the respect of others. It is the foundation on which any healthy relationship must be built.
Let us see how cognitive distortions manifest themselves in our lives as commonly heard statements and how assertive communication can alter our patterns of thought:
- “I have completely failed, everyone else gets it right.”
An individual may feel that failure is a sign of their supposedly intrinsic inequality with their peers. However, since failure as an experience is common to all, this pattern of thought is faulty and must be countered in our mental dialogue. - “I feel really embarrassed and stupid. People must think I’m really stupid”
These kinds of statements arise from a tendency to mind read—that is, to guess other people’s thoughts about oneself. One must recognize these as mere assumptions not necessarily having a factual basis. - “I didn’t get the job so I’ll never get another job again”
An untoward incident such as a rejection must not lead to self-blame or even blaming others. It does not signify failure to be a foregone conclusion and must be seen as a temporary setback in the larger scheme of things. - “I’m a good mother to my kids but that doesn’t matter, anyone can do that” or “I’m being promoted at work, but I’m still not at the top so it doesn’t count.”
A tendency to disqualify the positive qualities in oneself while magnifying the same in others is quite common. We must see that it is not immodest to view ourselves as capable and competent in our roles while having the capacity to do better in them. - “I feel like a bad person, I must be a bad person”
One can feel shame or regret for certain actions, but to view oneself as wholly devoid of the capability for good is dangerous. Honest and open minded conversation with those close and wise to examine the basis for these feelings can give us a fresh and guilt-free perspective on our lives. - “I am an idiot’ OR ‘My spouse is an idiot!”
Labeling either ourselves or others is unhealthy, robbing the other person of their human potential in our eyes while reducing our desire to reconcile or forgive them. It can also be an avenue for self-pity leading ourselves to be convinced of low self-esteem. We must not allow our communication to deteriorate in quality this way. - “I should always be interesting when talking to my spouse or others”
It is risky to set ourselves or others with such unrealistic expectations or our own human tendencies will be perceived as failure. This constant perception will be a source of disappointment. We must learn to examine the expectations we set for ourselves for their honesty and realism. - “She’s looking cross, it must be my fault”
Self-blame is a toxic tendency that we must tackle head on. Arising from a deep seated insecurity of our own worth, it compromises our emotional balance and reinforces negative perception. Setting clear emotional boundaries around what is ours and what isn’t will help us to control any such tendency. Replace these negative automatic thoughts with more healthy and realistic thoughts. A counselor can help you to overcome these distortions if you need the help. Often times a therapist will encourage you to write down these negative thoughts, cognitive distortions, and healthy thoughts in a triple column form. Writing down your efforts is important as it will help develop a new way of thinking.
Happy thoughts!
