His infidelity has broken me in ways I can’t even explain. We had been married just a few months when I found out that my husband was flirting with another girl and wanted to take things with her further. But I decided I wanted to make my marriage work because I didn’t want to be divorced at twenty-two and… I was also pregnant with our first child.
Looking back I think the first cut was the deepest but after that, I had just learnt to insulate myself from the pain. I moved to the other end of the spectrum where I was now trying to brush everything under the carpet I just wanted to hold onto the belief that I was loved and he was making these ‘silly mistakes’ but he did love me.
I remember at that point I would go into long periods of silence, just staring into space andthen randomly start screaming and sobbing. I think at this point in my life shame played a really big role. I truly believed it was my fault that he was cheating on me. Maybe I wasn’t great in bed, maybe I had put on weight, or maybe I looked horrible. That shame kept me so bound I just covered my husband’s sin because I thought it was a reflection on me and as a result, I never asked help.
I didn’t realize the damage that had been caused to me and that I was causing in return. I had become a survivor, I had to have my own back, and so, as a result, I became a fighter. I would always want to get my way in an argument. But on the other hand, I had given up on myself. I stopped caring about my appearance, put on a ton of weight, I spent quite a few days in a depressed state and I gave up on housework.
The resentment was so deeply buried that I truly thought I had completely forgiven him except when we had friends over and I would make a sarcastic comment or crack a joke about him and then I’d wonder where that came from! 5 years later, my husband brought home a girl while I was out. So here I was, a twenty-seven-year-old, mother of two shattered all over again.
When I confronted him he said it wasn’t because of me. It was him. He didn’t love me. He didn’t know what love was. He believed he could have a wife but look for sex on the outside too because he grew up in a broken home where that was done and his mum covered for his dad. As painful as it was, it was also the most freeing thing he said to me because now I knew it wasn’t my fault.
I wanted to do everything to make it work so I sought help. He also agreed to get help. Both of us started going for individual counselling to deal with our own hurts. I had so much hurt and resentment that I didn’t even know where to start. My husband saw into his faulty belief system, he was terrified of the mammoth task ahead of him and he began to push me away.
By then I had become clingy because I wanted this marriage to work so badly and by the second month, I felt like a doormat. Like some cheap rag that needed to be tossed into the garbage. Every time I looked into the mirror I would use three adjectives to describe myself –Unloved, not good enough and replaceable.
Here I was trying to make my marriage work but my husband who was the offender didn’t want me. He wanted anyone but me. I believe something in me broke when I came to that realization. How can I trust a man who has been so careless with my heart? I could not get out of bed for a few days. Would he divorce me? Would he choose another woman over me? At this point, I really was losing my mind.
As a Christian, sure I was praying but I was also trying to be my husband’s conscience trying to fix something. I had to learn to hand over my broken marriage to God. I will never forget the day I sat alone at the table in our living room completely broken and a gut-wrenching cry came up from my core and I just cried out and said, “God, my knight in shining armour has abandoned me, but you please don’t leave me.” And at that moment I felt a presence like nothing I’ve ever felt before there with me. That was my very real moment with God.
Being separated from my husband was the best decision I made. Up until I left, he never really believed I would leave, he thought I would just put up with his lifestyle and my leaving him told him that there were consequences to his choices.
Being a single parent was tough. I couldn’t make up for the lack of a dad in their life. I always told my kids ‘dada loves you’ but I saw the damage it did to my kids to not have dad say it to them. All I could do was aim to be a good mum. Some days I was exhausted, emotionally drained and snappy but I reminded myself that they were hurting too and couldn’t express themselves.
I had become a shell of the woman I used to be and I never want to come back to this empty person filled with resentment and hurt. I’m pursuing a career that I had given up on. I’m in a desperate search for something of my own, something I’m passionate about.
Spending more time in prayer and God’s word. I’ve also taken physical fitness on a war footing— eating right, exercising, and taking care of my appearance. I want to be able to look into the mirror and like who I see, inside and out. Counselling has been the biggest blessing during this tough time. Just being able to cry, get a fresh perspective, work on my fragmented identity and feel more confident about the decisions I take has improved my mental health and helped me get my life on track.
Forgiveness and letting go of past hurt and resentment was something I really had to work on and it hasn’t been easy. My husband also has realized that this way of life is not worth the cost of losing your family over. After 3 months of separation and intensive counseling, my husband has moved back home. He has promised me it will never happen again and he would rather die than cheat on me again.
We have taken this leap of faith and are still trying to work things out with marriage counseling. I trust that God is in control and whatever happens will be part of His plan for me.
The writer chose to stay anonymous. Family mantra thanks her for candidly sharing her story and respects her privacy and courage.
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