Feature: Living Through Loss

As I sit here writing, it has been almost one year. Over the past two weeks, I have been recalling day by day what happened one year ago. While I write, I lift my head up a little, and see her picture smiling down at me from the wall above my desk. Tears well up and I start sobbing. How do you deal with the loss of a spouse? How do you come to terms with it? How do you get over the grief? After one year, what I have to say is that I have yet to come to terms with it. Yes, I have learned to cope and get through each day, but come to terms? Get over the grief? Not yet.

Let me tell you my story. My name is George Mattackal. Jan 25, 2012 was a very happy day in our family. My wife Sairah gave birth to our ninth baby (yes .. ninth), a healthy little boy named Josiah, a delight to his two sisters and six brothers as they welcomed him home. My wife and I, had trusted many areas of our life to the direction of God. To call Sairah an extraordinary woman would be an understatement. So talented, so in touch with her God, so full of wisdom and grace, unforgettably touching every life she ever came across.

Her devotion to me as a wife was exemplary, reminding me of the Biblical description of the virtuous wife – “her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her … She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” She was a devoted mother who sacrificed everything for the sake of her children. So deep was her devotion that she taught all of them at home so that as a mother she could mold their character to honor God. But most of all, what characterized her was a very living, vibrant relationship with her God, one that deeply influenced every facet of her life.

On Feb 10th, Sairah had a heart attack, and then another the next day. A fatal 14 day hospital stay followed. Unbeknown to us, the arteries in the left side of her heart had developed severe blockages, perhaps over several years. Many thousands around the world, updated through Facebook and a website, prayed earnestly for recovery and healing. But on Feb 25th, the day Josiah completed one month, after 18 years and four months of marriage, her earthly journey ended, leaving me as a single dad of nine children, including a one month old baby.

To say that our world was turned upside down would be an understatement. We got through the first few days surrounded by family and loved ones who provided emotional and physical support. But as the days went by and reality set in, I felt overwhelmed by everything.

So many questions flooded my mind. Why did this happen to me? Why did God not heal her? How am I going to raise the children by myself? How will they get the motherly love they need?

How will we take care of things in the house? What about their education? How will I sustain this for the next twenty or so years? As I look back I see that somehow, by the grace of God we have made it through one year. It has not been easy, particularly for me, and the pain of loss is still very much there. Every Sunday when I go to church and I see all the couples coming in, children holding on to their mothers, receiving their love and care, it hits me that my children do not have this joy. Every time I see happy couples, walking, talking, laughing, holding hands and shopping together, the pain of lost companionship strikes at my heart.

Yes, there is a large void in my life that is yet to be filled, that I realize may never be filled. If you have been through the loss of a spouse, you know what I mean. As well meaning as people are, hardly anyone understands what we are going through, unless they too have been there. So how does one cope with the loss of a spouse? After a year, I know that I am by no means an expert on this topic and I don’t have any profound answers. But I can share with you my experience. I sincerely hope that if you too are walking this road, you will identify with me and will draw some hope and find some help.

Of course one of the first things one looks for are answers to all the ‘Why’ questions. I have found how important it is to have a worldview (“a philosophy of life or conception of the world”) that can provide answers and hope. As human beings we have to go beyond ourselves for answers and help when faced with the difficult situations of life. Having studied the Bible since my youth, I knew all the answers academically. I had even used them to comfort others.

But the process of dealing with my wife’s death forced me to understand even more deeply and in a very personal way my belief in an all powerful God. I had to re-examine the reasons for pain, evil and suffering in the world, the ultimate destiny of man, what happens after life and so many other deep things.

As I probed through the Bible, focusing on the story of Job, a man who went through intense, unexplained suffering, I began to draw strength from learning afresh about a sovereign, all-powerful God, who orchestrates all things, even what we consider ‘bad’ experiences, to achieve His greater purposes. I was able to reaffirm my knowledge of a God who understands suffering, and who even endured intense suffering and sacrifice to save mankind. I spent more time than I did before in prayer as I had reached the end of my own resources and needed help from beyond myself.

One needs the grace of God to deal with the difficulties of life. What I learned was further reaffirmed as I began to experience God’s provision and care in so many ways. As I look back I can see that all our needs have been met in often miraculous ways. One of the other experiences I found myself going through was questioning what else I could have done to prevent Sairah from dying. This is a natural but dangerous instinct, and can send one into a cycle of blame and deep despair. As these thoughts came to my mind, I had to constantly push them away, telling myself that clinging to these thoughts was never going to bring my beloved Sairah back, and that I needed to look ahead and not behind.

I had to be strong for my children and give them the best care and comfort I could. I also often think about the future, and become overwhelmed by everything I would have to face. Here too, I began to learn that fear of the future can paralyze. I slowly began to learn that I had to take things one day at a time, deal with the situations I had to face today and not be overwhelmed thinking too far into the future. Of course, there are many days when these negative thoughts come back and I struggle to stay focused on today.

The words of Jesus often come to mind: “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble”. Of course, as I said earlier, the pain and sorrow continue to persist. Will it ever go away completely? I don’t know. I know I have not reached that point. Triggered by a thought, a song she loved, meeting a dear friend, I am suddenly flooded with sorrow. I have shed so many tears this past year. In moments of intense grief, sorrow and pain I have found crying to be extremely therapeutic.

I believe God created the ability to cry to allow us to release these deep feelings and emotions. For me the flow of tears seem to release the emotions and bring about a sense of peace. Allowing yourself to cry is far better than bottling up the emotions. Another source of much emotional strength for me has been during those moments when I was feeling down to have someone to talk with, a dear friend or two who care about me. I have been so thankful for those moments when someone has come to the home, or called on the phone at just the right time.

May all who go through this experience be blessed with friends who are sensitive and can give them company during the difficult moments. For me, my children are the ones who most seem to lighten my mind. Many often think that children are most negatively impacted by such a situation. However, I have found my children to be extremely resilient, optimistic and able to handle things a lot better than I have. Being with them, listening to their mundane problems, solving their sibling quarrels, just taking care of them often drives away the negative thoughts.

Watching little Josiah laugh as he figures out something new brings such joy to the heart. It is during the solitary moments that the negative thoughts, the worries, the cares beset the mind and pull me down. I have found that staying busy and engaged has been so important to coping. The temptation is always to withdraw and go into a shell and brood. I have continued to be active in our various church projects and in some ways have had to take on a larger role than before for a variety of reasons. I have tried to use my experience as a platform to call men to treasure, love and appreciate their wives while they are living.

Activity has kept my mind occupied and given less opportunity to be overcome by negative thoughts. I encourage all walking this road to find ways to stay busy, to keep your mind and body occupied. I would be the last to minimize the difficulties or make it seem like one can easily deal with the loss of a spouse. Life will never be the same again and my struggle continues each day. Yet I have found that the only way to get through is by clinging steadfastly to my faith in God and to work to move on by God’s grace. Stop living in the past and look ahead, living one day at a time.

The pull to dwell in the past is always strong and I have to constantly will myself to resist this pull. I hope that my experiences will provide you encouragement and strength for your own journey.