Talking about sex is a taboo in most Indian homes, isn’t it? And the little biology lesson in schools scars prepubescent girls and boys on body dynamics. Let’s talk about sexuality education more because we already know sex education is important, but some parents want the school to do the job. The teachers in schools want a doctor to do the job. So whose job is it, anyway?
The easy way out is to believe children would learn about their changing bodies as they grow but by the time kids age 10 and the responsibility oision journalist Barkha Dutt on her show, “We the people”, asked, “How many of you learnt about sex from the internet?”
90% of the studio audience and my 16-yr-old daughter in our bedroom raised their hands. I was shocked but my daughter coolly said, “Mama, you taught me first, but I did learn a lot about sex from the Internet and TV shows!
Typical Initial Responses by Parents, upon confrontation
At 5, a little boy comes running to his mom or dad asking what is this advertisement all about (a sanitary napkin)? He is so excited that he has seen this product in his house! He jumps up and down and then goes to the parent and asks, “What is this? What is it used for?” Mom and dad wish the ground would open and swallow them as mom stutters, offers no eye contact, looking all cross, and says, “It’s nothing.
Go play.” One of the initial responses some parents have is to not talk about bodies unless it is a sickness. The ‘progressive’ parents get the mother talking to daughter and the father talking to the son, both dreading that one hour when she/he sits down the child and gives the ‘facts of life’, always looking at the clock and wishing it ticks faster. However, did you know? It is the responsibility of both parents to talk to children of both genders.
Did you know? Sexuality education should begin as early as 2-3 yrs of age! Sexuality education is a holistic approach. It is not only a lesson in biology. It begins with your values; the values you want your children to know and uphold. So, if you want your 2-year-old to commit to future values of respecting and loving our God-given physical bodies to abstinence and chastity before marriage, your sexuality education begins then.
Do you dread that 1-hour conversation with your teenage child?
By the time, your child understands ‘good’ touch and ‘bad’ touch, he/she understands all the scenes in the movie. They hear the words on the TV and also getting a sense of right and wrong based on the values we teach in our homes. Thanks to media, video games and the internet, our 5-year-olds learn and understand a lot about sex, sexual violence, and sexually offensive vocabulary. As parents, we are racing against the media and Internet to instil family and personal values and principles in the lives of our children.
The Concept of Sexuality education
You can shed off your inhibitions, embarrassments and fears when we start sexuality education at a young age in our homes.
1. Sexuality education involves teaching body hygiene as early as 2 or 3, with the right names all body parts.
When my daughter was 1, she pointed out to her body parts as we delighted parents would ask her questions. “Baby, where are your eyes?” How we clapped and encouraged her as she pointed out to her eyes! We covered the head, the fingers, the toes, and also the “bum”. Yes!! That’s the word we used in our home.
The textbooks and sexuality-education manuals I helped compile did not have that word though. But then, as a parent in my home what was I supposed to teach my daughter? I sure did not want to be discreet and tell her it is her ‘back’. And I knew for sure she would pick up words like ‘butt’ and ‘tushy’ as she grew.
The language and the naming of body parts kept changing in our home as our daughter was growing. By the time she was 7 years, we were comfortable with words like ‘vagina’ and ‘penis’. You don’t have to wait so long. Teach your toddlers and preschoolers the right names for all body parts from the get-go!
2. Sexuality education involves protecting our children by teaching them about ‘friendly’ and ‘unfriendly’ people.
So, when we tell them not to talk to strangers, we need to give them a reason. Even toddlers need to protect their bodies from scrapes and bruises so tell them when strangers or even friends touch the private body parts, that can cause bruises. Without scaring them, in a very straight voice, tell them–
- NO one should touch your bum.
- NO one should remove your clothes.
Teaching the ‘good’ touch and ‘bad’ touch by friends, relatives and strangers can progress to words like molestation and rape when our child is 11 or 12.
3. Sexuality education involves speaking to your child about their changing bodies.
The 1-hour talk with your teenager can be embarrassing for some parents. I spoke to my daughter when she was 6 years old on how her body would change. At first, I teased her about how tall she would be when she grows up, how long her hair would be, how pretty she would be, how big her breasts would get. “Mama!!!” Oh yeah! That’s what got her attention. I told her about how girls grow taller sooner than boys. Boys grow tall only after they are 14 years. And then I used the names of her friends who are boys. I would make our talk humorous and personal by involving her contemporaries — people whom she could relate to.
Talk about changing body at every opportunity. For example: Pimple cream – “Baby, did you know? When boys and girls start this phase called puberty, they might pimples on their face?” Sanitary napkin – “Hey this is something I need to tell you. When you get your period, I think I will get you Whisper! And as indifferently as that I introduced the word ‘period’ to her.”
4. Sexuality education involves giving each question a response.
You need not give a detailed reply to your children when they are 4, 5, 6, or 7; but you need to give them a reply. Don’t brush them off. Your simplest reply will satisfy them. The moment we brush off their question, the sense of something ‘not to be spoken about’ sets into them. And what your child learns from friends, TV, and the internet may cause them to not talk about it with you.
The Way I Did it
By the time, my daughter was 10, I knew I had told her about puberty. Our night times were conversation times. My husband has always worked away from home. He would come home just once or twice a month. So that left only me to speak to her. But comfort level I built with her throughout the 10 years of her life, made it easy for me to make that progression.
And this I remember telling her “Baby do you remember I told you that Whisper is used to keep the body dry against something. Well, let me tell you about it.” And that’s how I did it, lying on the bed, no table to separate us, wrapping my hand around her; I spoke to her about the onset of periods among girls. I spoke to her about the 5-day period of menstruation.
This talk had the use of all the right words: breast, vagina, etc. My talk with her was not only about her changing body. I spoke to her about the onset of puberty for boys.
… And my daughter’s response
She was frightened when I mentioned blood. I re-assured her coolly that all her fears were legitimate. I told her how her cousin cried when she got her first period when she was just 10 years old. We talked about my first period and over the next week, most of our bedtime conversations revolved around ‘period’ and puberty.
She was settling in with the idea, when the next week, a team of gynaecologists visited her school. I am so glad I spoke to her before the doctors in school did. My daughter felt confident they taught her something she had heard of, at home. She was not frightened this time.
That day my husband was home, and we had gone to pick her up from school. Our daughter runs towards our car flashing and waving the complimentary pack of sanitary napkins, shouting, “Dada, look what they gave us at school”. Gosh! You should have seen my husband’s face! He blushed with embarrassment. He clamped his mouth shut.
His hands tighten on the steering wheel, he looked straight ahead and drove. Walking the talk–the dada in my house, a shy person by nature; though he grew among 3 sisters, was so uncomfortable to even look at our daughter.
Dear Parents, try your best!
While we girls chatted away in the car, my husband was so embarrassed. I asked my daughter, “Baby, did the doctors teach you the way mama told you?” She replied, “Mama, they were better than you!” So much for being a sexuality educator in schools and colleges! I consider myself a privileged parent to walk with my daughter through her pubescent woes.
Preparing Your child for adulthood
Sexuality education involves preparing your child for adulthood. Your talks can continue and entered a new dimension; talk boyfriends, dating, and marriage. We spoke about abstinence, premarital sex, pregnancy, abortion, contraception — almost all topics relating to adulthood before she was 15. We are as comfortable with each other as friends.
Learn to shuffle between being a parent and a friend.
Now, this is where my husband steps in. While he is uncomfortable addressing the body, he is comfortable talking to our daughter about dating, marriage, etc. Our daughter is now 16, soon to be 17 in November. As parents, both of us feel as if she has been thrown among wolves after having held her hands and leading her for 15 years! Now, we cannot hand hold her all the time.
She is already a net-savvy person; glued to her cell phone and on social networking sites. Although an avid reader, with many friends she is an independent individual now. As parents, we have taught her right from wrong. Does this make it easier for her? No! Her world teaches her many things that may not be in sync with what we have taught her.
Parenting is a privilege!
Parents, caregivers, — it is not just about physical bodies we are talking about! We are talking about influencing an entire lifestyle. We create a bond by talking about the physical body with our children. Let us not shy away from this. If not in our homes, our children will learn all about sex and sexuality from the walls of public toilets and other places. It is your body. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Take the first step and be open to talk about it now.
