|
After 12 years of a not-so-bad marriage where we have grown apart and grown disinterested and irritated with each other. He came as a fresh breath…a new colleague, a few years my junior and reporting to me. Our first work trip…thrown in together we spent much time together even after work exploring the city dining, dancing, and drinking. We exchanged life stories of childhood, marriage, and family. After so long I felt like I had a good friend who understands me and is fun. It was the best time I had in years. We both were married and settled—so what’s the harm? We had no intention whatsoever of getting straddled into an emotional entanglement. Over the months, the friendship grew to become the most important me? Then it dawned on me… He has become much more than that to me. I almost felt that I could not live without him. I had to admit he had become much more than a friend. But did I want that? I took help from a counsellor friend. At first it was hard, almost impossible, to let go. But when I thought through what I wanted for myself I was sure this emotional entanglement was not part of it. I realized that what I was looking for was to feel good about myself, to feel wanted, to be appreciated. I planned it into my life—going on a hike, taking time off for books and music, hanging out with old friends. Soon I felt much happier and energetic. I also had a conversation with my husband about what we wanted from our marriage and what we could do towards that. That is work in progress though. I have not sorted everything out but I have begun listening to my own needs and feeling, and meeting them. I also drew some boundaries on who would be allowed into my inner circle. I live intentionally caring for myself thing in my life. Most often we were together at work or on call or messaging each other. It was all good. One Saturday morning it all changed. As usual I sent WhatsApp messages but got no replies. Tried calling but was out of range. By noon I was panicking. I could not concentrate on anything. I tried telling myself I had no business being so desperate but to no avail. Finally by evening I got desperate and went to his apartment! It was locked. For a week I could not connect with him and it drove me crazy. Someone informed the office that his dad had a heart attack and he had to rush to the village. I tried to tell myself he is just a colleague and friend who is away due to an emergency, why should it bother and my family. |
Marriage as an exclusive relationship ‘till death do us apart’ seems to be becoming more and more elusive as spouses look for excitement, attraction, emotional bonding and sexual fulfillment outside of it. Marriage is still a sought after milestone for most Indians so most people do get married. But marriage as an exclusive covenant is no longer the norm for many urban couples.
‘What is wrong if I have a little fun outside of marriage, it is not harming anyone?’
‘I provide for my family, I love and genuinely care for them. If I find some entertainment and excitement with someone elsewhere it is no problem. What they don’t know does not hurt.’ In a world where white and black, right and wrong are blurring into 50 shades of grey, infidelity seems to be a lucrative option – a break from the monotony of a boring and predictable marriage or a troubled and strife ridden one that brings great excitement, feeling of youthfulness and romance. But are the contents inside the package what the cover promises? Do those who buy in the advertisement of infidelity and go for it find what they were looking for?
The YOLO Effect
India has been a conservative society, which has always seen marriage as sacred. However, the more tolerant attitude to extra-marital affairs may be due to the YOLO effect (you only live once), say some experts. “Many people now believe that since you only live once (YOLO), you have to make the most of it,” says Mumbai-based clinical psychologist and counselor, Varkha Chulani.
‘Life is short. Have an affair’, was the slogan of ‘Ashley Madison’ that proudly provided a platform for the married individuals to have that extra thrill of the taste of an affair. “We have around 2.75 lakh Indian users without doing any marketing,” said Christoph Kreamer, European communications director, AshleyMadison.com, after they launched in India.
A survey conducted by Ashley Madison in India revealed that 76% of Indian women and 61% of men don’t think that infidelity is immoral. Responses were collected from 75,321 respondents 80% were married—in ten cities. Even after being hacked a few months ago which unraveled names and personal details of numerous individuals, leaving many lives affected and shattered, Ashley Madison flaunted new membership numbers, claiming that some 6.5 million people had signed up since the hack.
In an article written by Brian Krebs who interviewed many customers of this infamous website reviewed and expressed their experiences of the breach to be the worst nightmare. Numerous individuals admitted experiencing sheer fear and revealed their frenzied wild-eyed race to win back the little that is left of their marriage, their jobs, status in the society, their sanity and somehow lessen the impact of the effect of careless, promiscuous living.
For some others, divorce, shame, guilt, resignation and suicide were the result. In the guardian.com, Brian Krebs, the cybercrime journalist who broke the Ashley Madison Story in July 2015 says, “Maybe we need privacy disasters like this to help us wake up.” But do we really? Do we really need a crisis like this to wake us up to the traumatic impact to quit fooling around and get serious about relationships that matter and a lifestyle that is worthwhile?
If an affair provided what it promised to provide, the enthralling experience, intimacy, and gratification, how can it be that a life then ends in considerably more wretchedness and despair as a result of it?
In a world where white and black, right and wrong are blurring into 50 shades of grey, infidelity seems to be a lucrative option
Chatting or cheating?
Virtual sex and technology-driven affairs are emerging as principal triggers for new age divorces with couples getting increasingly impatient in relationships and choosing divorce as the first resort. Poonam Bamba, Principal Judge, Family Court, Saket, whose book “Temple of Justice: A School of Life” delves deep into causes of separation says, “Seven years ago when I started hearing family matters, divorce was considered the last resort, today, it is the first.
Technology is the new culprit with couples finding it easy to cheat on partners. Social media tools in use today give a sense of anonymity. Because everything happens in the virtual space, deserters have no sense of guilt.”
|
Z, a mother of 2 children, caught her husband flirting with another woman online. Upon probing, her husband confessed that he had been chatting with this other woman for 8 months for fun and it’s nothing serious other than a couple of times when they had exchanged naked pictures. He insisted he has not been involved with anyone else and asked her not to overreact since he has been faithful and not engaged in sexual relations with this woman. There are several types of infidelity and we cannot really scale a better or a worse kind. Many tend to surmise that as long as the relationship does not extend to sexual involvement, it is not cheating. However, the spouse who is at the receiving end may feel differently. |
Infidelity comes in different forms and it does not simply suggest a sexual liberality outside a marriage relationship. An emotional affair revolves around online flirting, chatting, or a work relationship and a long phone distance relationship. This kind of betrayal is regularly ignored, underestimated, and unacknowledged as disloyalty by those involved but challenged by their spouses.
Rather than doubtlessly disregard the effect of an issue or tell a person, ‘at least he did not have sex with her’, it is important to recognize that the intensity of despair and disappointments that would contrast from person to person. It should be comprehended that any kind of damage to exclusivity will undoubtedly leave a profound, deep-seated wound and scar in the marriage relationship.
Reasons for looking beyond
It is common to believe that infidelity is something that happens to your neighbor or to another person, but not in your own home. But that is a myth. This does not imply that you begin doubting your spouse, but rather calls for finding a way and taking steps as a couple to protect your marriage. There are distinctive reasons behind extra-marital affairs and one cannot presume that certain types of family or persons are immune to it.
Infidelity is not only an imperceptible beast in miserable marriages, but it lurks behind and resurfaces for numerous reasons at numerous times. It could be a plethora of reasons that cause people to discard the sanctity of a committed relationship—be it boredom, incompatibility, mundane routines, lack of emotional connect, lack of intellectual connect, unavailability, conflicts, mid-life crisis, personality differences, influence of substance abuse—especially drugs and alcohol, and sometimes even children (when an excessive amount of attention is fixated on them and as a result the marriage is neglected or because of empty nest—where young adults move out of their home and parents are thrown back together not knowing how to connect with each other again).
Building boundaries to protect your marriage
The dictionary defines flirting as “behaving in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone but is not meant to be taken seriously”. Many people flirt to explore the potential for a romantic or sexual relationship. And when that happens outside of a marriage, it crosses the line into infidelity. Flirting can get us to open up and share more of our thoughts and emotions.
What begins as a playful friendship then becomes the foundation of an emotionally intimate relationship. If you find that you share more of your emotions with your flirtatious friend because they understand you better, you’ve already moved into dangerous territory. It all begins perhaps with a drinking session, a flirtatious colleague, and striking conversations.
An affair may begin in unpretentious ways on the off chance that one is not cautious to foolproof their marriage against infidelity. Here are some simple and straightforward approaches to move toward adopting a healthy standard:
1. Check your thought life
It is essential to perceive and tune into yourself. Getting into the practice of examining and dissecting our own hearts, interests, and minds is an essential exercise to nurture. If you feel that you are beginning to enjoy a conversation with another person, check whether these are the discussions that you can have before your spouse or do you feel the need to conceal it from your spouse. Another question to ask, is whether there is anything to feel guilty about a friendship like this?
Anticipating the time with the other individual, entertaining contemplations of closeness or obsessing over this relationship are all symptoms that could lead ultimately to an unhealthy decision and perhaps even an affair.
2. Stop looking for reasons to cheat
It is basic to assume that infidelity or fascination towards another person demonstrates the nature of a marriage relationship. However, it additionally may uncover low self-regard and poor inner experience, which drives a person to seek something that would give an adrenaline surge or excitement. The saying, ‘misery seeks company’ holds true in this case.
A cheating spouse may attempt to take unpleasant happenings at home and use it as a reason to cheat. They may pick fights, reprimand and accuse their spouse attempting to manufacture a reason for their activities, at times. Some others may continue to be extra loving until they are exposed. It is vital to recollect that unhealthy circumstances cannot be changed by adopting another unhealthy habit.
3. Work at your marriage
A sound approach to start what is absent in a relationship is to rekindle the excitement in the marriage relationship. Explore ways to reconnect with your life partner once more. A simple approach to adopt is to give mindful, compassionate affirmations, or compliments each and every day. As you notice their emotional state and react empathetically towards them, you will build your affectability towards their necessities and start to comprehend the effect of your actions on them. Moreover, you may even build your own particular internal experience and embark on a journey to respect yourself.
4. Take action right away and refocus
This is simpler said than done particularly if the grasp of fascination towards another or the propensities are solid. In any case, difficult does not mean impossible and the main individual who can really bring about change is yourself. The mind is a very powerful thing which can take immediate cues from self and follow up on it.
Our lives, of course, do not have a delete button, but our phones without a doubt do. Before the inclination becomes excessively solid, hit the delete button to erase the contact of the person and help yourselves to remember why an extra emotional connection or affair may not turn out to be so incredible. People often ask if some individuals are wired for a promiscuous living and if they have no other choice, but to be slanted towards settling on unfortunate decisions.
Although we are all products of our childhood encounters and formative years, and to that extent predisposed to certain behaviors, we need not be destined to promiscuity. These are habits and patterns that get settled in throughout the years which can be changed by observing good role models, rewiring and restructuring of the thoughts and consequently putting into practice healthy habits.
5. Seek help
You don’t have to struggle alone. If there are warning signs, indications, and despite your best efforts infidelity still invades your marriage, individual or couples need to consider therapy. Marriage counselors are equipped to help couples who want their marriage to work deal with issues related to infidelity. If you are also a victim of either emotional or sexual infidelity, it is recommended that you see a counselor to be validated, understood and to help you get back on track.
Riya Jacob Daniel is a psychological counselor and marriage therapist with vast experience in family & marriage counseling, individual counseling and counseling sexually abused women. Chitra Ramaswamy Jayakaran is a professional social worker with experience in counseling and engaging with issues of justice, peace and sustainable living.
Leave a Comment