The ‘to do’ list
I have to send lunch for the kids, prepare a snack, and cook dinner. I need to complete work for the deadline due today. I need to organize a play date for the kids, plan their study time after they come home. Make a special dinner for my husband when he returns from his week long work trip. I should remember to call my mother and check if she’s ok.
I have to exercise at some point in the day and make separate diet food for myself. I really need to lose weight. I should call my friend back, she’s going through a lot of issues right now. Read that parenting book on discipline. So many things to do…and yet I just sit here. Unable to move, breathing so heavily, feeling nauseous, like I can’t get enough air. What is wrong with me?
Guilt
I feel so guilty that I couldn’t get half the things done that I needed to yesterday. What is wrong with me? It’s what every other woman does! They seem to be able to handle things fine. I even have a maid and I still can’t get everything done. Yesterday I yelled at my kids so much just because they didn’t listen to me about something…I can’t even remember what.
I yelled, spanked, took away their favorite toy…I need to teach them discipline and respect! What kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t! But why do I feel so bad about it? Why did I cry later and feel so guilty. Oh no! Have I scarred them? Will they be traumatized now? I must do something to make it up to them. Take them out somewhere special? But I have so much work…it’s ok I can squeeze it in.
Maybe I can ask my husband to help but he is so stressed at work, I should not give him any more stress when he comes home. The last time he came back I forgot to buy bread and he wanted a sandwich. He said it was fine but what kind of wife am I who can’t even stock up basic groceries? I feel sick…can’t breath. What is wrong with me? Stop being so lazy and get on with all that you have to do, I tell myself. No more time to be so self-indulgent.
Must, Should, Have to
Must, should, have to, need to….these are words that plague my life, leading to a lot of pressure and stress. Stress however that is self-inflicted…from my own need to be the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect daughter, perfect friend. But at what cost?
At the end of the day after trying to achieve everything on my ‘to do’ list or feeling guilty about what I couldn’t achieve, all that is left of me is a tired, frustrated, angry, over-emotional mother, wife, daughter and friend who wants nothing more than to be left alone with a bar of dark chocolate and cry over the immense guilt she feels…and then the cycle starts all over again.
Overwhelmed
I know what’s wrong with me. I feel stressed. Guilty. Inadequate. Overwhelmed! I needed to stop. My children were faced with a different mother every day depending on my stress levels.
“How a mother manages stress is often a model for the rest of the family,” says APA psychologist Lynn Bufka, PhD. “Other family members will imitate her unhealthy behavior.” “Running yourself ragged can trigger headaches, insomnia and mood swings, and more serious problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, obesity and heart disease,” says Alice Domar, Ph.D., co-author of Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else.”When you’re on your last stores of energy – giving, giving, giving until you’re depleted – you’re not the best mother you can be,” says Domar. “When we’re stressed, we get irritable and insensitive; we tend to snap more at our kids and families; and if you’re worn out, you’re more susceptible to illness.”
I had to get help. As a Christian, my belief in God really helped to pull me through. God’s Word gave me the perspective I needed many times and His presence gave me the peace I needed so much. I also started talking to a counselor. It was good to talk to someone with whom I didn’t have to pretend to be in control and wasn’t afraid of stressing them out with my issues!
I slowly learned to look at a situation for what it is.I had to accept that I couldn’t do it all. That I might never be able to achieve everything and that doesn’t make me a failure. I saw that I needed to congratulate myself on what I was able to achieve rather than just focus on what was not done. I began to see the pressure I put on myself to create a perfect lifestyle. Clean home, happy husband, intelligent, kind, stable, creative, polite children. It is stressful when I see the perfect plan I have created for myself. It feels too big, unachievable and unfixable!
Self-compassion
Self-compassion was a concept that I had learn. Treating myself with the same kind of kindness, care, compassion, as I would treat those I care about.Boosting my ego didn’t make me feel better. Instead, I tried talking to myself like I would my best friend.If my friend told me that there was no bread at home would I tell them they were a huge failure, a terrible wife and irresponsible mother?
Kristin Neff, a psychology professor at the University of Texassays, “Self-compassion entails mindfulness. In order to have self-compassion, we have to be willing to turn toward and acknowledge our suffering. Typically, we don’t want to do that. We want to avoid it, we don’t want to think about it, and want to go straight into problem-solving.Self-compassion also provides a sense of self-worth, but it’s not linked to social comparison the way self-esteem is. Women tend to be less self-compassionate than men. Women are told they should not take care of themselves; that they should always be outwardly focused.”
Clarity
I tried to be self-compassionate. I looked at situations differently. It was hard because my mind was so tuned to self-criticism from years of practice. But I tried hard to see a situation for what it was.If I couldn’t get something done I didn’t beat myself about it but moved on to what I could do and could do well. Some days I couldn’t be the perfect mom who got it all done in the perfect way but at least I didn’t yell at my kids all day because they were getting in the way of my ‘to do’ list.
And some days I did yell but instead of feeling guilty and crying over it for the next two hours, I said sorry to them, hugged them and promised myself I’d do better tomorrow. I began to ask for help and talk about how I felt to my husband. He helped out more with the kids and once in a while I go to a café and read a book or go to the parlor.
Blessed and Stressed
I am certainly not yet in a place where I don’t think ‘what’s wrong with me’ at times but I now have more good days than bad. I am blessed beyond measure and my children and my husband are my world. Even in the midst of stress I know I need to take care of myself as well in order to be a good mother and wife.The Bible says, “Be still and know that I am God” and I am trying everyday to be mindful and be in the present rather than be stressed and anxious about tomorrow. “One day at a time”…that’s all I’m asking from God.
