Sheena looked at him anxiously. Her wide eyes searching his face questioningly. She shrugged her shoulders, “It’s not like I am dying to work.”
“Go ahead Sheena”, the counsellor said. “You seem to want to ask him something.”
As a couple Sheena and Santosh were married for ten years. This determined, attractive duo had walked in for counselling that day. Both of them open to do what it takes to move from the state of ‘stuckness’ which seemed to be hindering their lives currently.
They had with great hesitation finally chosen to meet a counsellor known to a mutual friend. It was awkward at first putting their marriage before another person. Even the idea of setting considerable time aside without the kids and actually talking to each other was new. Living life as it came had taken away from them the friendship they had once shared. On the outside they were good parents and that’s where they worked well together. However under those layers were Sheena and Santosh. Once best friends who had now stopped sharing their personal dreams, needs and joys. It almost felt wrong to speak about oneself, an unnecessary luxury! It was here they took baby steps towards telling each other what they really thought and felt.
Sheena asked Santosh softly, “Santosh, would you like me to work?”
Santosh looked into her eyes this time. It was a direct question to him, his wife really wanted to know. He had unknowingly not wanted to answer that question fearing he would anger her.
“Actually Sheena,I don’t like you working.” Sheena bit her lip; she waited to hear him out. The counsellor had spoken earlier about how necessary it was to listen out to each other completely.
Santosh continued, “Sheena, I don’t know whether you remember I had told you how I spent all my evenings as a school kid in my grandparents place.” Sheena nodded; she knew that Santosh’s parents both worked when he was young and so he would go to his grandparents place every evening.
“You know, Sheen, I hated being dumped on them. They were so kind, making every effort to make me comfortable. Yet I used to wait for those long hours to end. I spent all that time watching those boring television soaps. I couldn’t relax till dad and mum came, it used to be quite late by the time they came. Many times I would have already dozed off. So when you said you don’t mind staying home and not work I was secretly relieved. It was my need to come back home to you. I wanted the same for the kids too. And I always thought you manage the home so efficiently. Everything is so neat and clean. I can’t believe you don’t like it anymore!”
Sheena sat quietly for a moment. Her mind softening at her husband’s words. He wanted to come back to ‘her’.
It was Sheena’s turn now. Her eyes smiled at her husband. The counsellor had just asked her what struck her about what Santosh said.
“I didn’t know that you even needed me. My being at home when you return reassures you. That feels good!”
Santosh relaxed in response and tilted his head to the side. “Tell me, Sheen, what’s happening in your mind?”
“Let me start from the beginning Santy. My mum’s always been home. It was nice to have her around but she spent all her time with us and for us. She had no meaning whatsoever apart from her children. I think even dad and mum’s relationship was second to us kids. And somehow I feel I am becoming more and more like her. I do enjoy keeping home, Santy! I love being home when you or the kids return. But at this point in my life, I want to have something to call my own. I don’t know but I honestly want to experiment with a part time job of some kind. It’s for me, for our marriage. I don’t feel right about building my whole life around my children’s accomplishments.”
Santosh had sat up, he awkwardly touched Sheena’s arm. “Sheen, you are more than just a home maker to me. I have always admired you for the person you are. You mean the world to me.” Sheena wiped away her tears and looked into Santosh’s earnest face.
“Sheena, Santosh… what are you feeling right now?” asked the counsellor.
The initial tension they had come with had lifted and there was a lightness that filled the air. Santosh quickly exclaimed, “Relief”. Sheena took a moment, “Hopeful” she whispered.
The counsellor wrapped up the session saying, “When you came in, your feelings were way different.” Both nodded. “The magic that happened was that each of you was all ears to listen to the other’s story. And you risked saying it as it is. No mixed messages, not just facts, no blame game but each one of you plainly spoke about how you thought and felt. You were able to pry open the layers and come to your vulnerable selves.”
“Sheena, in finding your identity you saw the key to a happy marriage with Santosh and personal contentment. You acknowledge that keeping home for Santosh and being mum to your kids are a part of what you enjoy, but there is more to you than this.”
“Santosh, you value Sheena’s presence in your life. You love coming back home to her. You love her for the person she is.”
“If marriage is for companionship you will pay close attention to one another’s needs, voices and changes. It’s not the most natural thing to do, it needs conscious tending. Consciously unlearning, relearning and identifying new ways of helping each other reach their full potential.”
As they spoke, the counsellor was present as a mere catalyst who was witness many times to the magic that happens when a couple start listening to each other as individuals. Marriage ceases being just a milestone but an active interaction of two individuals bringing out the best in one another. Working things out takes time and effort, sometimes it’s even a painful road. However, it’s worth the risk!
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