| Q: I’m a mother of two teenage boys and recently I was very disturbed after finding some pornographic images on my elder son’s computer. This has greatly upset me and my husband and I wonder if my younger son is involved in such activities as well. Is there any way for me to keep my children away from this in the future? |
It must be hard enough to raise and manage teenagers but to have discovered your elder son’s exposure to such material must be disappointing and heart-breaking. It is important to be in touch with exactly how you felt about the incident and to share that with your husband, before working on the boys. As you know, the boys themselves are going through enough confusing changes within them and today children are bombarded with enough stimuli from the media and technology.
Everything is sexualized and there is no escaping or isolating it from young minds. But there are still ways to beat it. The best way to go about this is to address the ‘elephant in the room’. Ideally it would be better for the father to talk to the sons, but at least one parent or both should talk to them about the changes they are going through and how to better understand their sexuality. If parents do not educate their children on this, everyone and anyone else will; this is a grave mistake most Indian families tend to make.
Teenagers need to know that they can be comfortable enough to talk about sex at home and so learn to distinguish between right and wrong perspectives about it.
Both you and your husband should have non-judgmental, open and willing ears when speaking to the boys about this issue. Deal with the problem of porn head-on and educate them on its ills. Even if it’s uncomfortable, take the lead to show them that you as parents are willing to address this issue at home anytime. Keeping an open door will help them open up about their struggles and maybe even untangle their bondages, if any. It is important to acknowledge their emotions and to never be-little their stories or be too quick to push the moral.
Next, it is important to set the computers at the home in the living room or at least set guidelines of keeping the door open and the monitor or screen facing toward the door. Set guidelines for use of internet on hand-held gadgets and there are also filters that can be installed like ‘Covenant eye’ or ‘K9’ that will help keep adult videos off their hands. In order to better gain their support and respect it is important as parents to explain the reason behind every house-hold rule.
Keep an eye on their friend circle and talk openly regarding their relationship with girls, if any. Don’t be afraid to share your own experience as a teenager in order for them to connect with you. Idle mind is the devils workshop goes the saying and hence it I important to get them involved in interesting activities like sport, music, cooking or other areas of their interest. Do not let them sit for hours in their room by themselves.
Involve them with you in the running of the household. Give them responsibilities. Cook with them, do gardening with them or go shopping with them. The more they are actively and productively engaged in the public/ family space the less time and need they have for unhealthy habits. When they feel loved and accepted by you for who they are they will flourish and excel. Keep loving, keep being around without being intrusive.
As parents this may be the right opportunity to bond closer to your boys more than ever before and to let them know that you now see them as responsible individuals.
| Q: A few days ago my husband, whom I have been married to for 9 years, suggested that we watch an erotic video together in order to increase our intimacy. We have done this a few times before and he did seem to enjoy the experience, though I’m undecided about this. Can such videos truly help us enjoy each other better? |
From what I understand, there seems to be a longing to deepen your physical intimacy in marriage and your husband has suggested the use of erotic or adult videos to do this. Although the intension is good, the means maybe faulty and here’s why. These videos are not made so that married couples can enjoy each other more within a healthy committed relationship. The pornography industry thrives on exploiting lust and everything shown (from the characters, actions involved, to the story, the script) is aimed at this end.
Research has shown that repeated exposure to pornographic videos alter the way men view women. They are encouraged to treat women as objects for self-gratification and even depict the women as enjoying such kind of abuse. Adultery, infidelity, incest, rape and forms of unnatural sex are all shown as something exciting to be experienced.
Watching other couples having sex not only becomes voyeuristic but also leads to comparison and the pressure to perform as the performers on screen. These comparisons will only lead to disillusionment and harm the intimacy level you have built up over years of companionship.
Such form of corrupted and choreographed sex may not be the right kind of spice needed within a committed sacred relationship.
Depending on an external source to enjoy each other is obviously dangerous down the line. Instead, the source should be found between you and your husband. Sit down with your husband and ask questions that take a look at your emotional intimacy. Is there something in your schedule, behavior toward each other or lifestyle that is getting in the way of your intimacy? Do you have open lines of communication when it comes to sexual needs and or expectations?
Is there any other inter-personal tension (hurts or hopes) that has gone unaddressed or pushed under the carpet? Could seeing a family counselor help you both find the leaks in the relationship and capitalize on the strengths? When it comes to sexual issues, the root often lies before the bedroom and the solution is beyond it.
| Q: I am 18 years old and currently doing my first year engineering. Watching porn has been part of my life since I was first exposed to it by friends when I was 11 years old. Now staying in a boy’s hostel I am even more exposed to it. I feel ashamed and guilty about this. My interest in my studies and even socializing has dipped this year and I spend more time by myself. Is watching porn really the cause of this or is it harmless like most people say? |
Firstly, I appreciate you for sharing this openly with me. It takes a lot of courage. Moving from school to college must be a big transition for you with a new course, environment and friends. I’m sure you had many things to get adjusted to in the hostel setting, especially if you have been staying home all this while. Moreover, the stress can build up if you’re not doing well academically and if your social life takes a hit as well.
You have disclosed that watching porn is already a ‘part of your life’ and the exposure to it has only increased due to your present environment. You’ve also indicated that you have lost interest in studies and social interactions. You may have already answered your question within your narration of the problem. You used loaded words like ‘ashamed and guilty’ to describe how you feel about a behavior that is already very much ‘part of your life’.
Motivation is the drive to do something and watching porn has evidently weighed you down and emotionally drained you. A sense of deep shame (consciously or unconsciously) can cause social awkwardness and even withdrawal. Shame, embarrassment and guilt all arise from internal struggles. You already know watching porn is harmful, yet you find yourself indulging in it. This can cause a moral struggle within yourself which can lead to negative emotions. Also watching porn is usually an isolated activity and this can explain why you choose to be alone rather than out making friends.
Few things to note is that repeated exposure to pornography can lead to an addiction and there is robust data that suggests the same. First of all, go online and educate yourself regarding the negative effects of porn on your body and mind. Secondly, if there are symptoms of addiction in your behavior, you need to analyze to what extent. Thirdly, keep track of when and what situations incline you to watch porn and come up with preventive measures.
Awareness is key. Last but not least, don’t attempt to fight this on your own. Talk to a counselor, mentor, parents, and or trusted friends about your struggle. Be honest, open and accountable to them. Bring things out to the light and collaborate to come up with preventive steps to beat the urge before it beats you.
It would be wise to avoid students who talk about, watch and or share pornographic material. Take active steps to trash any such material you have in your room and instead read books and watch documentaries on the dark, repulsive side of the porn industry. If watching porn leads to feelings of guilt and shame, stopping the behavior should reverse the effect and help you better align your inner and outer life and health.
As you rid yourself of Porn also make sure you fill that void with other healthy hobbies or activities that interest you and you have given up on like maybe a sport or musical instrument. Hang out with friends who have healthy fun and enjoy life.
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