Cover Story:
The New Old Age

Older people face tremendous life changes within a short period of time. Sometimes families work so hard at making sure all of the physical needs of their elderly parents are being met that they forget about the need for attention and emotional support. Children are motivated by a strong sense of duty, yet the family relationships are under severe strain. The elderly turn more and more to their families to meet their emotional needs, yet these same family members may be already overwhelmed as they try to take care of their loved one’s home, bills, doctor appointments, and shopping.

We interviewed six elderly people to better understand their expectations from their families, their struggles and coping with change. The responses clearly show that, among other things, an elderly person primarily needs to feel connected, emotionally supported, secure and believe that his/her life continues to be meaningful.

If you are caring for elderly parents, these responses from elderly couples will give you much needed insight into what they really need in order to be fulfilled and content in their present life situation.

What are your expectations from your married children?

1. My only expectation is that my married children should continue to show love and affection towards me. I get a pension every month and am not dependent on my children for financial support, but in case I have some unforeseen financial constraint, I would expect them to take care of my basic needs or even medical needs if required.
2. One cannot expect much from married children, as they have their own families now and their priority is for them. However, they can keep in touch with us, giving guidance, and suggestions for our life. They can and should help us when we are in dire need and support as much as they can.
3. Their love, acceptance, understanding, their presence during times of need, financial help in case of any emergency.
4. I expect my children to be good, useful and God fearing. What they can do for us is visit us at intervals, spent some meaningful time with us. In case they are busy they should at least communicate by phone. This will give us strength and support to go on.
5. They should meet us whenever it is possible. They should tolerate our disabilities as we grow older and be sensitive to the fact that we have loss of hearing and vision and not see that as a pain value.
6. They should be happy financially and mentally. I do not want any help from them right now as I am still healthy but if I am sick at any point of time I expect them to take care of me rather than keeping me alone with a maid in a house all alone.

What are your genuine struggles as you grow older? How have you coped with them?

1. My main concern is for my unmarried son and his future. I just pray and wait for God’s leading.
2. Our struggles include failing health, occasional feeling of loneliness and lack of physical help when urgently needed. As far as we are concerned, God has been our helper and strength in times of trouble, providing necessary physical help through friendly neighbors or others when such situations arose. Our children have been in touch with us and have extended their help when necessary, for which we are grateful.
3. Loneliness, no freedom to go to certain places independently, need to depend on others, on their time and convenience, unable to express opinions freely. We have coped with all this by being occupied in various activities that are of interest to us like daily walks, social interactions with neighbors and friends, spending more time in prayer etc.
4. I don’t look at ‘old age’ as a struggle. I am 76 and my husband is 80 yrs. We take the physiological changes which are inevitable during ageing in a positive way. In fact we enjoy our old age, less responsibility, more time to be with the God in prayer and being involved in other spiritual and social activities.
5. Loneliness as all our children have flown the nest and are busy with their own lives. Loss of health, energy and vitality. Being busy socially in church activities, going for all family functions to meet up with relatives, etc are some of the ways we cope. Also, spending more time in prayer and reading is another way.
6. The daily struggles include things not working in the house for which we have to call somebody to get it repaired or done. Managing these home related issues is very stressful.

How did you cope with the change after your children got married? Are you still involved in how they lead their lives?

1. I do not interfere with their lives or want to be a burden to my children, but instead would like to be a source of moral support to them.
2. When the children got married we were mentally prepared in advance hence didn’t have much problem in handling situations on our own. Above all else our trust is in God and He has been helping us in times of needs and troubles. Reading God’s word and praying has been our source of strength always even when our children were with us particularly through daily family prayers. Now that we are alone and relaxed we find more time for personal meditation of the Word and praying and interceding for others.
3. We have allowed them to lead their lives the way they want to and always wish them happiness.
4. Once our children were married, we did not interfere in any of their family matters but we extend a helping hand whenever they are in need, like when they are away at work/sick/busy, we look after our grandchildren, cook for them etc. We find lots of happiness in this. Our children also help us at times of our need. We are very happy about that. In fact we don’t have any struggles of old age. We plan our day and figure out how to utilize the time meaningfully which God in His mercy and grace have given us. We don’t regret the past, hope for the best and lead one day at a time.
5. We see it as one more addition to the family rather than children leaving the family when they get married. We try to adapt to the new addition to the family by getting to know their likes and dislikes and their habits and preferences. We try not to interfere in their lives, and we also try not to voice our opinions too often.
6. I lived in a joint family so my children getting married and moving out has not affected me much as I have my regular work to be busy with.

Let’s celebrate our elderly parents and grandparents. They are God’s gift to us- limited period offer! And let us also remember we are getting there too. We may not always find it easy living with or relating to them but then often our kids are difficult to live with too! Do we not extend love and patience to them? And let us not forget they were very patient with us while bringing us up and we would not be here today if not for them. Let us learn to enjoy fun moments with them doing things we will cherish together.