Cover Story:
Happy 96th Birthday Dad!

My dad seemed to be well and active right into his late eighties. It was only during a visit to Canada (where we lived at the time) in 2006, that I noticed memory lapses and sometimes incoherent talk. I was concerned but not too much. He lived on his own, had good servants and was well cared for.

Silvia I am bleeding!
Less than a year later, my husband and I felt called to return to India and start Forward Press magazine. As we packed up, in March 2007, I had a call from my dad, “Silvia I am bleeding”. My dad has had a longstanding history of bladder infection with bleeding which continued even after three prostate surgeries. I immediately flew to India and took him back to Canada with me. There he was treated and I continued to care for him until we all returned to India in July 2007.

It was then, that going through his papers and accounts I noticed he was not acting rationally at all. Then 89, dad was diagnosed with Senile Dementia. He then lived in Pune, and we were moving to Delhi. It was a difficult moment when I had to tell him he could no longer live on his own. I had to be firm, and I know it hurt him, but he gave in and moved with us to Delhi.

My Home a Retirement Home
That was in April of 2008. Dad has been under our care for almost seven years now. These have been very challenging years for us, as we dealt with medical crisis after medical crisis. Being a doctor is in a way a blessing , but also a curse. A blessing, because our trips to a doctor are minimal. A curse, because I know the gravity of the illness and it hits me emotionally every time he has had a crisis.

Much before I took on the care of my dad, a visit to the beautiful retirement homes in Canada, inspired me to start one of those standards, in Pune. Unfortunately in 2007 the cost of land was skyrocketing and my dream remained just that. However our own home became a retirement home as I took on the care of dad and my ailing elder sister, now 64.

In these 7 years I have learned a few lessons which I would like to share:

1. It is a big adjustment for an elderly independent person to suddenly lose control and become dependent. We tried to help dad adjust to his new circumstances by making him as comfortable as possible. His meals are always on time and till a few months ago he ate with us. I cooked meals I know he liked. If I travelled I brought back treats he appreciates. He was also encouraged to come to the living room and participate in visits and prayers. I saw to it that he had his newspaper every morning. He liked reading and we encouraged that, by keeping him supplied with a steady stream of books. We invited common friends over. We called and wished his friends and relatives on their birthdays. Over the years his hearing deteriorated, and because he refused to wear his hearing aid, he could not participate as much.
2. Old people need love and touch just as much as anyone else. Every now and then I give him a pedicure which he enjoys. I make sure I give him a hug and a kiss every so often. Recently I was adjusting his bed, and kissed his forehead from behind. Immediately he said:”Silvia”. I realized he recognized me because I am the only one who does that. My sister will look after him in other ways, but never demonstrates physical affection.
3. Re-do their room/ the house to help them access things and be independent as much as possible. I positioned dad’s bed close to the washroom door to make it easy for him. The elderly need to be helped to stay active and mobile and we have to possibly readjust things around the home to help them be independent and active. Old joints stiffen up very fast if not used, and old people become very difficult to manage if they are stiff. The first thing I did was to invest in a good walker and made sure dad walked up and down the apartment.
4. Give them a diet with plenty of water, fruits and vegetables. Constipation can be quite a problem in old age. I countered this with plenty of water, fruits, adding raw vegetables to every meal, As dad began to get more frequent minor strokes, his swallowing became difficult and he began to choke on liquids. We first tried to thicken water with products like THICK IT, but since last May he has a permanent nasogastric (Ryles) tube through which he gets water. He can, thankfully, still manage swallowing blended solids. We give him everything we eat, in smaller quantities.
5. Baths are essential to their well-being. Baths become infrequent in old age, yet are so essential to well being. We have compromised to twice a week in the winter and 3-4 times in the summer. We need to keep them well groomed and clean as it helps their self-respect and they know we care.
6. Keep them exercised and out of bed as much as possible. I make sure he gets a massage every day to boost his circulation. Also get him to do exercises for his arms and legs, against resistance to strengthen muscle tone. I give him egg white every day to supplement protein. A very big concern in the care of bed ridden dad is the prevention of bedsores or pressure sores. We invest ed in an air mattress and make sure he is not in the same position for too long. Because of the choking, and also increased time in bed, respiratory infections are common. We avoid that by keeping him upright on his wheel chair as much as possible, but even then he is often on antibiotics.
7. The Whole family is involved. Our immediate family has been very supportive, primarily my husband, who, especially in the winter, before he turns in for the night, makes sure dad is well tucked in. He also shaves him every Sunday. These are small gestures, which dad greatly appreciates. Before my daughter was married, she too was very loving towards him and is the apple of the old man’s eye. Every evening he would look out for her, and begin to fret if she was late. Three years ago she got married and moved out. However, her husband too, likes to spend time with dad, praying with him, and singing worship songs in his room. When we travel, the young couple have supervised dad’s care.

Does it sound easy? In fact it is very hard. I feel very helpless when he chokes and coughs. Sometimes the force of the cough makes him wet his pants and sheets, in spite of the catheter. At other times his diapers are messed up. There have been times when I feel I have been tested beyond my endurance. But over the years I have learned to pray, “Lord not a day earlier, nor a day later than you have purposed for him”. What more can I do for a beloved father who always loved me unconditionally?

Through all the ups and downs dad never complains and has never suggested it is time to go. When asked, he always responds “I’m fine”. On February 11th dad turned 96! We celebrated it with the whole family, and he had special treats the entire day!