My dad worked in the army and was an alcoholic. Whenever my dad came home on vacation, he would beat my mum severely. One day he was completely drunk and decided to kill my mum. He emptied all the water in the house, shut the main water tap, went into the kitchen and poured kerosene on her and burnt her alive. As my mum began to shout my dad ran away. She was rushed to the hospital but she had just 48 hours to live. Her sisters brought an arrest warrant for her to sign so that my dad could be put in jail, but she wanted to forgive him. She then hugged me and wept loudly praying to God. She was 23 years old. It happened on that night.
Life with my dad begins….
My dad married again. There were friends who told my step-mother not to marry him given his history. But she was convinced she needed to dedicate her life to the little boy who would come into her life. When I was in Class 1, I was sent to a boarding school. I received a letter soon after saying that I now had a baby brother. I was very excited to see him. But after just three months I received another letter that my brother had died. Later my step-mother told me that my dad killed him. It happened on that night.
Soon after that I came to live with my father and step-mother. Life was not very pleasant, my dad was still an alcoholic and there were always arguments and violence at home. It was a life where every night I would scream and curse God. Blood and scars were part of my growing up years. There were days my dad would not allow me to go to school, instead, he would make me say all kinds of lies and borrow money from neighbors.
My dad would tell my friend’s parents things like I died and he needed money for the funeral or sometimes he would say that my mum has met with an accident and so on. Once I remember I went to my friend’s house and his mother jumped in fear as my dad had just a few hours earlier told her that I was dead and she had given him Rs 2000 for my funeral. I attended a small village mission school. Life was difficult. I used to hide behind restaurants and wait for them to throw the waste and left over food. I would fight with the dogs and eat from the trash can.
My Teen Years…..
In my teens I got into the habit of stealing. I began to have a homosexual relationship with my cousin and started stealing money from my dad’s purse. By the time I was 13 yrs old I was deep into pornography. Another incident that deeply affected me was when I saw my dad kill my grandfather right before my eyes. We lived in such terror and fear that when he threatened us not to tell anyone we just kept quiet. It happened on that night.
There were nights when my dad would beat me up so badly that I would run away and sleep in houses that were under construction. I was so angry that I wanted to kill my dad but I still longed for love through those years. One day I was so fed up with life that I took 30 paracetamol tablets and went to the terrace. I looked up and told God that He will not be able to save me and that I was going to die.
I got up the next day and as I was brushing I suddenly realized that I had taken those tablets but nothing had happened, absolutely nothing!!! As a result I got even more discouraged that God was not even allowing me to die. A month later I went to the highway waiting for lorries to come by and as one lorry came at high speed I jumped with all my strength in front of it. Suddenly I felt a hand catch me and pull me back. I was so angry with the guy who saved me but I turned to find no one around. Was it God? I did not know. It happened on that night!
To cut the long story short… today I am the CEO of a consultancy and director of an orphanage. I am happily married and have one son. As a couple we travel across India and other countries and work with kids and teens to help them with their issues. How did my life change? How did the healing happen from all the abuse? What were those keys that changed my life?
Few keys…
- A strong realization that God exists and no matter what I see or do not see, or what I feel and do not feel, He is in control and He loves me. This released me from inside out.
- The realization that present troubles were preparing me for something wonderful in the future. I realized the higher purpose of problems in my life. What better preparation can one have, than by life’s trials and troubles?
- To receive love was very important to me. When true friends came into my life and loved me, it was difficult and hard to accept love. I used to always feel unworthy but when I began to accept love, things began to change.
- The way I saw myself had to change. I never liked myself and was very insecure. I began to see what I was worth. I focused on my strengths and how God used me as a blessing to others. I had many talents and I began to live life with gratitude and thankfulness.
- I had to move away from a performance based life. I always performed and tried to get acknowledgement from people and that is how I felt accepted. I had to realize that I was loved and accepted not for what I performed, but for who I am. I am unique and special.
- I slowly began to give. Giving was very difficult for me. I always wanted to receive and never would give. I began with small steps to give things, money, time etc. Today we support and raise 10 orphans and support several poor families. We travel and counsel thousands of kids and teens giving our time and energy. Last year alone we addressed more than 30,000 kids and teens on life’s issues.
- I had to walk in accountability. I realized that I needed to be accountable and need mentorship. Today I stay accountable to 5 older men in my life. They are people with high morals and Godliness. Being accountable also broke through many of my addictions that were private and personal. Today I am totally free and enjoying life at its best.
Finally
Look at what you are today. If you are someone who has gone through abuse and you are wondering if your life is wasting away…. WAKE UP! You and I have experiences that no one else has had. Let’s get up and see what our past can teach us. Let us get up and see how our present can be lived. Let us get up and see how our future can be full of opportunities.
I know you must be thinking… WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DAD? HAS HE CHANGED? Hmmm……. No. He has not changed. I do not know where he is today. I heard that he is still cheating people and living the same life. Do I love my dad? Yes I do and I honestly pray and desire that he changes. I cannot change him. BUT I CAN CHANGE my PRESENT and my FUTURE. Why should I sit and cry and worry about him and let my life suffer? My life is precious and there are many around who need the encouragement and love and care that I did not receive. I need to move on.
Hey… don’t just sit there sulking. Yes life has not been fair. But there is something precious that life has invested in you. Wake up! Wake up! Let not your past be a hammock. Let it be a springboard. Get up! Let it happen this very night for you!
Contributed by Mr. Ramesh S. He can be contacted at abusetoday@gmail.com
