Consider these statements by two individuals…..
“My parents showed through their example how a loving husband and wife and a father and mother should act. They taught me to love God and love people, not only with words, but also with their lives every day!”
“My name is Ravi. Most of my childhood went without my father being there! He left home to work abroad when I was four and now I am fourteen! Though he visits us every year, I just don’t know my father and I wonder if my mom does too.”
While the first statement shows a parent’s proximity, love, influence, and example, the latter seems to nullify all that. Parenting holds such potential for creating both tragedy and triumph. Family is God’s idea! The family environment becomes a part of one’s identity. It’s all about people who are important to each other, love and support each other, and are there for each other in times of crisis. It is where moral and spiritual values are taught and cultural heritage is passed on.
Home is a safe place….to be, to rest, to have fun, to grow, and to invest on the truly important issues in life. The family is the only institution that has survived every attempt to bend and break it. This is indeed God’s basic pattern of a family! Good parenting primarily starts with the demonstration of love and dependence between the parents. Only then they can work towards building a healthy self-image in children, instilling love and teaching sensitivity to others.
It is hard to be a good parent in today’s society. And with all the changes and growth the world throws at us, it is getting tougher by the day. And with an absent parent, it becomes quite a challenge!
Distant parenting?
These two words seem to contradict one another. The question you might ask is, “how can one parent a child, being “distant”? Is it really possible? However, in today’s fast changing and materialistic world, “Distant parenting” is an emerging trend! No matter what you call it, it is still parenting! Just because one parent is away doesn’t mean that raising a child becomes the responsibility of the parent at home.
Two-income families are common now in urban India. Women are also taking on challenging jobs, their husbands happy that they are no longer the only source of income for the family in a time of economic uncertainty. Not just the father, (which is most often the case) but even the mother now works away from home, in a different city or country, because their job demands it. Though the physical dynamics may be different, the challenges of emotional security for the child remain the same.
While it may be good economically, it has adverse effect on relationships within the family and is extremely unsettling for young children. Physical separation hurts. Separation means no way to hug, to watch dance or football practice, or to be a part of any event that is important for the child. Both the separated parent and the child feel this pain. Parents, who live away home, miss out on the important milestones in the lives of their children. These are opportunities lost forever!
Children need a warm, caring atmosphere in the home. Distance puts a lot of stress on the children if not managed correctly. They grow up changed, different from other children missing important parts of necessary parenting that prepare them for adulthood! An alarming study says that nearly 12 percent of the kids who have been brought up by a single parent had behavioural problems by age 7. Many teens with behavioural problems and addictions can be traced back to an absentee parent …or parents who may be physically present, but are so pre occupied with their work, that they are as good as being absent from home.
“Distance makes the heart grow fonder” goes the old saying, but in reality many times, the heart grows “yonder” and not “fonder”! Members of the family become quite “used “to being without the other and could become quite well adjusted to this arrangement. After a while they really don’t “miss each other. At this stage, any kind of genuine involvement from the absentee parent will be looked at as interference. That’s a danger signal!
But, for various reasons, what if it becomes absolutely necessary for one parent to move? Then both parents have to work together to make sure that each of them is involved in raising the children. It takes commitment to show one another and the children that they are still a family and both husband and wife are a team and they are taking care of the kids equally, thus encouraging a healthy relationship between children and their far away parent. Unfortunately, many families don’t handle this properly and even turn into dysfunctional homes. Children fare badly in school and in some cases even drop out of school.
Well, it’s not all bad news! Many families have handled this correctly and have emerged as a very healthy and loving family, even though one parent had to live away from home for some time. Children feel they are not loved by a parent who doesn’t see them regularly, interpreting lack of contact as lack of love. In these days of technology, it is not difficult to keep regular contact by telephone and by mail. This can go a long way to show love to children who live far away. It lets them know parents think about them often and still love them. A few things that have helped families cope..
- Keep connected. Write and talk to each one individually. Second hand messages don’t make you feel special.
- Verbalize your feelings. Tell them often that they come first and you love them!
- Remember birthdays! But remember other important days, events and exam schedules. Wish them and follow up the progress!
- Pick up on the feelings behind the words and respond.
- Give assurance that you will be available at crisis moments.
- Build trust. Clarify details before you jump to conclusions.
- Never let down your spouse.
Nothing can compare to the feeling of being a mom or a dad. You want to be there for every part of it, not wanting to miss a single moment of celebration or sadness. Nothing will ever replace a parent‘s hug or touch. Being away from your children is difficult, whether it is for days or months. Sit together as a family and weigh the pros and cons of the move. If you definitely have to move, a good idea will be to do it on a trial basis first for some time. But if you see any sign of non adjustment of your child, it is better to choose the welfare of the child. We can replace money, but a childhood lost is lost forever!
Remember… You can make all the money you need to get all what the children want, but children will not remember you for the material things you provided, but for the fact that you cherished them. ‘What we leave in our children is more important than what we leave for them’ God gives us the miracle of having children. Do not waste this gift by rushing through life on things of less importance.
Contributed by Kamala Benjamin, a well trained family speaker and a counselor. Currently she is working as the teaching faculty at Haggai institute.
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